While you're enjoying an unseasonably sunny summer afternoon, we will be at Safeco Field, showing our undying support for the 2007 Seattle Mariners, authors of one of the greatest collapses in baseball history. We're not fairweather fans, not us. We gallantly display our pride for the local nine, those proud lads who...um...ok, fine, we lucked into a free ticket and didn't have other plans. Anyway, misery loves company, so we've fired up the Seattlest History-O-Matic......

Well, that was spectacular. From the heady days of August 25th, when the M's were three up in the wild card and only one back in the division, had won two straight in Texas, when we were all excited about Blue-za-palooza or whatever the fuck it was...to now, after 11 losses in 12 games, when we're all pretty much in wait 'till next year mode. You've all seen the boat sink, here are the numbers.......

Both the Mariners and the Sounders are in second place in their respective divisions, and both played the teams ahead of them last night. We'd promised a friend we'd go to the Sounders game as they were playing their archrivals, the hated Portland Timbers. The Sounders dominated throughout, they had more speed than Portland, and more energy. Frenchy Sebastian Le Toux provided much of the latter, he flew all over the field. By the second......

Got an email from a friend the other day: "My boss says he's officially back on the Mariners bandwagon." We were thrilled--the more bosses that join the bandwagon the better, in our view, even if it means it'll be harder to get the company seats. The Mariners finished the first half of the year with the best record of any Mariner team in history that didn't include Mark McLemore, and it's not easy to explain......

Vitals: Carsten Charles Sabathia, 26 yo LHP. Born in Vallejo, California. 6-7, 290. 87-57, 3.94 career. 6-1, 3.65 in 2007. $8.75 million salary. Arsenal: A 92-93 mph fastball with wicked movement that he can amp up to 96 when he needs it. Lefties must look for a sharp breaking slurve, while righties must look for the slurve and a straight change. Recent Battles: Sabathia faced the Mariners once last year, he went eight innings and......

Sorry about the two sports posts in a row. Hope you non-sportballers have scrolling capability. Vitals: John Derran Lackey, 28 yo RHP. Born in Abilene, TX. 6-6, 245. 65-52, 3.94 career. 5-3, 2.70 in 2007. $5.8 million salary. Arsenal: Low 90s fastball, a nasty, late-breaking curve, and a change. Recent Battles: Lackey was 1-2 with an 8.44 ERA in five starts against the M's last year. The M's had 46 hits off of him, and......

The two winningest Mariner pitchers ever, Jamie Moyer and Randy Johnson, start against each other today. Moyer had 145 wins as a Mariner, Johnson had 130. Combined, the two pitched 3932 innings as Mariners. They've faced each other once before--in Texas, 18 years ago. On Thursday, September 21, 1989, while the Berlin Wall was still up, Ed Koch was mayor of New York, and Samuel Beckett was alive, 26-year-old Moyer, then a back-of-the-rotation starter for......

Vitals: 24 yo RHP. Born in Kennewick, WA. 6-2, 220. 46-53, 4.67 career. 1-0, 3.69 in 2007. $4.5 million salary. Arsenal: Mid-90s fastball, nasty slider, change. Recent Battles: The M's faced Bonderman last on September 5th, knocking him out of the game with a three-run fourth. This game was notable for being Joel Pineiro's 58th, and last, win as a Mariner. Our Best Weapon: Ibanez is 8-17 career against Bonderman. The Internet Says: In 2002,......

Vitals: 27 yo LHP. Born in Oarai, Japan. 6-1, 212. 86-60, 3.14 in Japan. 2-1, 6.08 here. $4 million salary. Arsenal: An 88-92 mph fastball, a low-80s slider that he throws mostly to lefties, and a pretty good low-80s change. His stuff is a lot like Jarrod Washburn's. Recent Battles: The M's have never faced Igawa. Ichiro probably did, in Japan, but we couldn't find any Japanese batter/pitcher stats. Our Best Weapon: Vidro usually has......

Vitals: 26 yo RHP. Born in Tokyo, Japan. 6-0, 187. 94-45, 2.99 in Japan. 3-2, 4.36 here. $6.3 million salary. Arsenal: Dice-K throws six pitches--three fastballs: a mid 90s four-seamer (rides high), a low 90s two-seamer (moves down), and a cut fastball that moves away from righties, and three off-speed pitches: a slow 11-7 curveball. a mid-80s slider that he tries to back-door lefties with to strike them out, and his change-up, which is considered......

We were frickin' *there* so we speak some from authority on this subject--the key at bat of tonight's 5-2 Mariner win (even bigger than Sexson's funk blast) was Brandon Morrow facing Jermaine Dye with one on and two out in the eighth. M's pitching coach Rafael Chavez visited the mound before the ab, and we suspect they planned a little trickery. Since Morrow had walked the previous batter on four pitches, Dye would be expecting......

Mariners with Felix Hernandez Record: 2-0 Payroll: $106,516,833 Mariners without Felix Hernandez Record: 3-9 Payroll: $106,096,833 Sometimes, words can't tell the story as well as numbers. Look at that--the $106 million of player that Mariners GM Bill Bavasi recruited to surround Felix Hernandez can't manage to win more than 25% of its games. To put it another way--0.39% of the Mariners' payroll is responsible for 40% of its wins. The blueprint for the season was......

We knew that Carlos Guillen's 2001 bout with tuberculosis was serious, but until we read this feature by Jon Paul Morosi (formerly of the P-I, now with the Detroit Free Press), we never knew that Guillen was so close to death:He could barely sleep. He had a fever every night. He battled headaches and weakness. He lost almost 20 pounds. He coughed up blood. Yet, Carlos Guillen continued to play shortstop for the Seattle Mariners.......

Yet another postponement, and the new plan is to try to play a doubleheader on Monday, beginning at 10:05 am PST. The M's have a day game in Boston on Tuesday, so this would mean they'd play 3 games in about 28 hours. Not good. Even if they play both games on Monday, that leaves two games that will need to be played sometime during the season. The P-I's John Hickey has the scoop on......

Vitals: 36 years old, born in Louisville, signed as a free agent by the Indians in '05. 82-73 career record. $7 million salary. Arsenal: A below average (84-89mph) fastball. To lefties, he'll work up and away with the fastball, a 12/3 looping curveball and a change. To righties, he'll work low and away with the fastball and a slider. Recent Battles: Triumphant! The M's knocked Byrd around in his one start against them last year,......

M's lefty reliever George Sherrill got shredded by Cubs hitters today in a brief relief appearance. Not only did he give up three runs, including a broken bat homer by Aramis Ramirez, even his outs were line drives. Sherrill's spring ERA is 13.00, opponents are hitting .452 against him. We've only seen him pitch this once, but this isn't a case of bad luck--he's legitimately tossing batting practice out there. The M's may have another......

All-star surgeon James Andrews fixed Matt Hasselbeck's torn labrum yesterday. Hasselbeck's played with the injury, which is in his non-throwing shoulder, for three seasons, but it apparently got too troublesome. Hasselbeck's out for six months--he'll be back by exhibition season, but he'll miss the minicamp where he was hoping to get his timing down with Nate Burleson and Deion Branch. Damn labrums. Will Carroll of Baseball Prospectus calls a labrum tear baseball's most fearsome injury.......

Sometimes you earn a win, and sometimes the other team gives you one. Here are the all-time screw-ups by opponents that helped Seattle teams win big games. 1) Tony Romo We've pretty much covered this, and it's got to be #1. 2) Jim Sweeney and the 1975 Apple Cup Up 27-14 with 3:01 left and the ball deep in Husky territory, the Cougar coach let his players talk him into passing for a touchdown. The......

If you want to read the many reasons why the Rafael Soriano for Horacio Ramirez deal sucks, USS Mariner (humorlessly) and Lookout Landing (hilariously--check the poll) can satisfy you. We've got a different take. Yes, Rafael Soriano is a better pitcher than Horacio Ramirez. If he were a stock, or stock, or a stock car, you'd be idiotic to trade him for Ramirez.. But. The Mariners need starting pitching. Without Ramirez, they have two--TWO--for sure......

In case local breweries need more cheap advertising, Olympia’s got them covered. Lawmakers recently created a "state-sanctioned commission to better market [Washington-brewed] ales to consumers." Naturally, brewers are loving it. And so should fans of Washington beer. Because not only is the commission going to promote this alcoholic nectar, specific sections of the Revised Code of Washington require that: The commission shall … develop and submit to the director for approval any plans, programs,......

According to the official rules, when a baseball team forfeits a game, the score is recorded thusly: the forfeitting team gets zero runs, the opponents gets as many runs as there were innings. In the case of most games, 9-0. So it was fitting that, in the game that surely sealed their non-pennant-winning fate, in the middle of a September freefall, Editor Dan's beloved White Sox lost 9-0 to the Mariners yesterday. Little Jake Woods......

USS Mariner reports that the M's are going to call up stud CF prospect Adam Jones. "It will probably be announced tomorrow," says Admiral Dave. Players as young as Jones, 20, usually fall flat on their face in the majors (see 1967 Reggie, 1972-73 Schmidt, 1986 Bonds, 1994-95 A-Rod), so we're not expecting much. But he'll be thrilling to watch--those who've seen him say he's a terrific athlete with an incredible arm. He'll probably hit......

Chim Chim Cheree! The Mariners finished a three-game sweep of the hapless Diamondbacks last night, scoring two runs off Arizona closer Jorge Julio in the 9th for a 3-2 win. The win pushed them by Texas for second place in the AL West. They are two games behind Oakland. As the number-conscious boys at USS Mariner point out, the stats suggest that the M's are better than the A's. Though the A's have the better......

JJ Putz's two ninth-inning strikeouts of Barry Bonds (one Friday, looking at a splitter, one Sunday, swinging on a fastball) are the twin highlights of the Mariner season so far. Putz has been terrific this season--11 saves in 12 opportunities. Better yet, the numbers are there--he's struck out 46 this season, and walked only 6. That's Sasaki-esque. And then there's Joel Pineiro. Pineiro's allowed five earned runs or more in five of his last seven......

There's controversy rumbling in the underbelly of Mariner fandom, about whether the team passed over a pitcher named Andrew Miller in last week's draft because they felt he'd want more money than is allowed under "slotting," a Bud Selig brainchild meant to reduce signing bonuses. USS Mariner Dave will brook no argument that Miller was, is, and will be a better pitcher than the Mariners' pick, Brandon Morrow. Mariner scouts, he says, agree. What......

Eddie Guardado didn't cotton to being removed as Mariner closer, the P-I reports today. Apparently he's been sulking, and Jamie Moyer coralled him for a private chat over the weekend. The mano-a-mano preceded a successful inning against Los Angeles. Everyday Eddie thinks it was a turning point. I was able to put all of that anger and those negative feelings and put them into a bag and lock them away. Guardado's negative feelings bag......

Former Mariner first round pick Ryan Anderson is out of baseball and enrolled in culinary school, we learned from U.S.S. Mariner today. The M's picked the 6-10 Anderson in 1997, optimistically hoping he'd become the second coming of Randy Johnson. He was known to fans (though hopefully not to his girlfriends) as "The Little Unit." A series of elbow injuries ruined his career, and now he (select inane baseball/cooking comparison below): 1) Ok's hamburgers......

After shitting the bed in the 9th inning last night (bases loaded, nobody out, down two runs, and the "heart of the order" went down 1-2-3) and wasting another great start by Jamie Moyer, the Mariners fell to 3.5 games out of first place. Joe Blanton, who is the batting practice pitcher for the rest of the American League, completely baffled the M's again, allowing only one hit through eight innings. This can't have surprised......

Mariner Manager Mike Hargrove deviated from his heretofore stone-set lineup yesterday, moving Adrian Beltre into the #2 spot and sliding Jose Lopez to #3. Richie Sexson sat in favor of Roberto Petagine. After Raul Ibanez got tossed in the first arguing balls and strikes, the lineup got really interesting. Willie "Sultan of Seeing-Eye Grounders" Bloomquist made a cameo appearance as cleanup hitter, which is like subbing CarrotTop in as Hamlet. The new lineup didn't alter......

Mariner closer Eddie Guardado's campaign to ruin Seattle's summer continues apace, with the merry prankster blowing his third save of the season last night at Chicago. This time, he gave the game up in the most improbable way, allowing a home run to Pablo Ozuna, who'd never hit one before in 334 previous career at bats with three different teams. Guardado's ERA is now at 8.38, which is, as master of understatment Ron Fairly would......