None of us are going to Sasquatch this year. That's right, all of Seattlest--all of this MANY-HEADED CERBERUS--is far too lame to be heading out to the Gorge for what looks to be a beautiful Memorial Day weekend. Instead, we're staying home, putting a few ice cubes in our scotch, and breaking out the summer tweed. But were we attending the three-day fest this year, we'd have plenty of good acts to choose from. We perused the schedule to come up with our hypothetical recommendations for this very real festival.

Isabella Rossellini Brings Green Porno to Benaroya