Today's news is a horrible mire of awesome and awful, which includes missing children and white men saying things.
Extra, Extra: Another Awful Update (and One Awesome Thing!)
Friday Morning Headlines
Happy Friday, Seattle! Here's some news to get your day started.
Op-Ed: Howard Schultz Versus Obama, Congress and Democracy
Starbucks Coffee mogul Howard Schultz has a new hobby: politics. Unfortunately, the way he's chosen to get involved is unlikely to do any good, and has some disturbing implications. Memo to Congress: the last institution Schultz "helped" was the Seattle Sonics...
Extra, Extra: Predictable Headlines Edition
Amanda Knox is emotional, Howard Schultz is rich, people don't trust the police. Please try to contain your surprise.
Poll: If You Were Howard Schultz, How Would You Spend Your Money?
Frequently, we disagree with what Howard Schultz does with his money. Yesterday's IPO filings demonstrate yet another mind-boggling investment. What would you do if you had zillions of coffee dollars to throw around?
Kenny G, Martha Waintwright and People in Suits Talking About Coffee: Notes from the Starbucks Shareholder Meeting
If you got stuck in more traffic than usual today near the Mercer Mess, blame Howard Schultz. Ah, the Starbucks Annual Meeting of Shareholders.
Starbucks Now Owns Joe Scarborough's Republican Ass
From the Daily Show last night. Starbucks mating with Morning Joe starts at 1:15. Is this what's going on at Q13?
Blazers, Please Take Our Hearts
Way back in November we wrote that we were going to start following the Blazers. We got off to a fast start; however, as the NBA season ground on and the Huskies took off, we kind of fell off the map on that one. The December snow canceled our trip to the Rose Garden--well, that and the lack of any planning whatsoever.
Does Howard Not Tip?
One thing that's been bugging us about Howard Schultz's rah-rah at the Starbucks annual meeting yesterday is his attack on the "myth" of the $4 coffee. Why? Stop, stop, you've winkled it out of us! Look, you can't deal with a perception by defining it out of existence: "Half of the beverages we sell are under $3," says Schultz, knowing he's misrepresenting the issue. People think a latte at Starbucks will cost them, with tax and tip, closer to $4 than $3.
Oh, Howard! SBUX Meeting in Tweets
(H/t to Metblogs for finding SBX_IronChef.) Howard Schultz is rallying the troops this morning, and we've been eavesdropping via Twitter: "Great companies will evolve their strategies while retaining their core customer....We are the largest buyer of high grade arabica coffee that is Fair Trade in the world...We will be communicating this...Half of the beverages we sell are under $3, 1/3 under $2, and brewed coffee is a fantastic value...[on sales of Starbucks gift card at Costco] 2 weeks in, Costco ran out. It became the the #1 product in EVERY Costco location. (draws applause). 5 mill sold!"
This Morning in Ironic Contrast News
Howard Schultz says no more layoffs at Starbucks, and if you believe that we'd love to show you our oceanfront property in Oklahoma. Life continues to be unfair: Microsoft's permatemps are protesting a 10 percent pay cut while former president Bush is charging $150,000 per speech but the sun will come out tomorrow next year: Sleepless in Seattle may be adapted for the Broadway stage, exposing a whole new generation to dated stereotypes of this city. Can't wait.
Starbucks Reinvents Instant Coffee
In the beginning, the Lord divided the bean from the water and created Nescafé. For generations, it was the standard of instant coffee, until Prince Howard of the Dark Brew tasted the Nescafé and said it should be made better. His flavor engineers labored mightily for many years, until they perfected a system of microgrinding beans of pure arabica (taking care to buy them only from farmers using sustainable agricultural practices and humane conditions for the workers, because the Dark Prince was highly image-conscious), so that a mere tenth of an ounce of extract would produce a full cup of coffee no less flavorful than the coffee brewed throughout his kingdom of Starbucks.
Starbucks To Close 200 U.S. Locations, Lay Off 6,000 Store Staff
Just last week we mentioned a memo that Starbucks layoffs were in the wind, but with the caveat that the cuts were supposed to hit management hardest. Half right. The Wall Street Journal says the carnage is in response to Starbucks earning only $64 million in the first quarter. Apparently the $64 million answer is to close 200 U.S. stores, with another 100 international locations on the chopping block, and to lay off 6,000 store employees, with another 700 culled from Seattle HQ and other field offices. For reaction, we turn to a commenter at Starbucks Gossip: "Holy s**t! It's the damn Titanic!!" CEO Howard Schultz has cut his salary to $10,000 from $1.2 million--the WSJ says, "Once his health-care coverage costs are deducted from his salary, Mr. Schultz will earn less than $4 a month."
McDonald's Drinks Starbucks' Milkshake
Last week, Starbucks announced that same store sales had dropped 9 percent in their U.S. shops. That news is followed today by McDonald's getting all braggy about their sales increasing 7.7 percent, leading us to wonder whether the other 1.3% just threw in the towel and switched to the hard stuff.
More Starbucks Employees to Get the Candy Cane?
Hey now, Wearers of the Green Apron! We know there's at least one or two of you dying to spill the beans about the uber-mysterious company-wide conference call scheduled for tomorrow. Starbucks Gossipers are guessing the call (emceed by Uncle Howard himself) might be about labor cuts or more store closings. C'mon Sbuxians! We are dying to know what this is all about! If someone left us the call-in number and security code in the Seattlest Tip Jar, it'd be our little secret. As always.
Time to Select Your Howard Schultz "Turkey of the Year"
Local sports-talk radio station KJR-AM (950) is giving frustrated Seattle sports fans the opportunity to select the biggest turkey of the sports scene in the past year. Vote early, vote often. Every day, the lowest vote getter gets knocked out and a new poll starts. There are local and national categories, and our personal fave is Brad Keller, attorney for the Sonics, although Mayor Greg Nickels sure would be a delicious option.
Eat Your F***ing Oatmeal
Showstopper of Seattle's long-running cabaret Angry Housewives was, you may recall, a number titled "Eat Your F***ing Cornflakes!" (What, you don't remember? Brain cells degraded by poor nutrition, no doubt.) Anyway, Starbucks is now seeking to recapture the breakfast market by offering freshly zapped oatmeal with a choice of fruit, brown sugar, or mixed nuts.
Schultz to Seattle: I Never Loved You Anyway
Call us 'jaded', but Seattlest has come to expect corrupt politicians and scheming corporate shills to do their dirty work on Friday afternoons. It's just the way they work. Somewhere out there in public relations land, there must exist a playbook extolling the virtues of arson and manslaughter, as long as it's done on the last day of the week.
More Evidence the Sonics Will Be Renamed "Thunder"
The two clever guys living in Oklahoma City stumbled upon some pretty good evidence which appears to confirm that your Sonics will be known as the Oklahoma City Thunder next season. Seems the NBA is using that name on its website, too. (h/t Deadspin)
14 Ways Starbucks Has Changed Since January
Howard Schultz has done Wallace Stevens one better. The poet found 13 ways of looking at a blackbird, but since his return in January the CEO has tried 14 things to revitalize the brand—including such contradictions as offering both "better coffee" and "worse coffee," and getting rid of breakfast sandwiches and bringing back breakfast sandwiches. (Does he contradict himself? Very well then, he contradicts himself.) Diana Wolf has compiled the (still growing) list ... twice. We prefer the stripped-down version on What I Learned Today, but there are more comments and snappier headlines on the Mental Floss edition.
More Lay-Offs at Starbucks
All is not well in the land of the mermaid. After weeks of whispered words like "bloodbath" around Starbucks headquarters and gossip sites, the coffee giant announced today just how large this round of lay-offs will be. Today's cuts will affect 1,000 employees, 180 of them located in Seattle at Starbucks HQ or the regional office. This comes hot on the heels of news that Starbucks will be closing 616 under-performing stores and that the 12,000 workers that run those stores will also be jobless. The way it's going, we have a feeling 2008 will be muttered about and cursed in Starbucks circles for decades to come.
Karma Police for Schultz and Company?
The justice system may buckle in Oklahoma City’s favor this afternoon with results of the Sonics trial set to be announced at 4 p.m., but the wrath of God is clearly on Seattle’s side.
As Always, We're Rooting for Rat City Rollergirls on This One
Rat City Rollergirls have faced some seriously tough competition in their quest to become champions of the roller derby circuit, but the local team may be facing their toughest competitor to date--off the track. The current battle pits Rat City Rollergirls vs. the Starbucks Corporation in the legal arena, rather than an old hangar at Magnuson Park. At stake in the battle is no trophy or championship, but rather trademark issues and the right to keep a beloved logo.
Starbucks to Debut Two New Drinks
What was that about getting back to making the perfect latte? Starbucks announced today that they are debuting two new, non-coffee beverages. The company unveiled their plans in an interview with the Wall Street Journal.
Starbucks Leaving the Record Business
As part of Starbucks returning to their "It's the coffee, stupid!" business plan, they have handed over the day-to-day operations of their record label, Hear Music, to Concord Music.
Starbucks Stock Sinks, Seattlest Says Hold
Even though some of us around the Seattlest newsroom like to beat up on little ol’ Starbucks whenever the opportunity arises, today’s news that Starbucks' stock dropped like a hockey puck of used espresso knocked out of a porta-filter didn’t put a spring in the steps of all us Seattlests.
Funeral for a Friend
Is it a felony to advocate semi-civil disobedience? If not, the few remaining souls tough enough to stomach the funeral that is the Sonics last home game this Sunday should consider storming the court or at the very least burn former owner Howard Schultz in effigy outside.
Wall of Shame
Seattle needs a Wall of Shame. A board of reckoning, publicly reminding the region’s powerful that all sins won’t be forgiven. Ideally located on the city tour circuit—not unlike the Fremont Troll, except political and mean-spirited in nature.

