Kelly Judges the West Coast from New York: Girl, Where's My Gay Bar?

This is an actual photo of Kelly.

Kelly Gorman lives in New York, but is a Pacific Northwest native. In "Kelly Judges the West Coast from New York", he does exactly that. He really doesn't care what you think.

I moved to NYC from Bellingham, WA nearly two years ago. There are a lot of things that I miss about the northwest. It smells nice, people like to recycle, it doesn't feel like some kind of weird coked-out race all the time, people, in general, aren't cunty.

The thing that I came to realize, however, when I was back in Seattle a couple months ago, is that, while things that smell bad do suck, I like weird coked-out races, I LOVE cunty, and I don't really like to recycle all that much. Oh yeah, and I HATE bikers.

One thing that really got me when I was back in the "Emerald City", is how loosely the term "gay bar" is thrown around. I mean here in the city of dreams, if you walk out of a gay bar with your dignity intact and no STDs, you fucked up somehow. Seattle "gay bars" are a little quiet (nobody is getting laid).

A gay without sex is like pita chips with no hummus (just for you, Seattle). Now, what is the problem? Why is nobody on the Hill getting into sexy shenanigans?

GIRLS.

New York gay bars, while not necessarily closed to women, are just not quite as inviting to our gal pals. Many feature gogo dancers, nudity, and restrooms that only feature trough-style urinals. The bars themselves are geared more toward sex than most Seattle gay bars, making many girls a bit squeamish. Gay bars in New York are also not necessarily for the lesbians, who by the way, seem to have taken over the gay bars in Seattle (dear Pony, what the fuck happened?!).

Now, here's how it works in Seattle:

1. Gay bar opens.
2. The cute gays gag over it.
3. The lesbians start coming.
4. The straight girls start coming because they are not afraid of lesbians and the LOVE a gay.
5. The straight boys start coming because they want to have sex with the straight girls, whose guard is down because they are in a "gay" bar.
6. The cute gays stop coming.
7. The gross gays, the boring straights and the angry dykes are what you are left with.
8. The cute gays move to New York.

If Seattle bars want to hold onto their target crowd, I think they have to start doing what we do here:

1. Ship in a bunch of Puerto Rican and Dominican gogo boys.
2. Put sleazy porn EVERWHERE.
3. Underwear parties.
4. Give out poppers at the door.
5. Slather everyone in cocoa butter.
6. Have the cuntiest trannies working the door.
7. Turn a bit more of a blind eye towards the drugs. I mean, what makes you able to drink like a superhero all night long? Cocaine.

The original Pony seemed to have this down, but the new one seems tame/lame. I love you ladies, but let the boys have their bars. We can all meet up later at Neighbors. That place seems WAY beyond any help. And to the Seattle bar owners: don't make me move back there and show you how to run the sleazy, sexy, cruisy, lubey bar that the hill desperately needs. I know you can do it!

xx
K

Contact the author of this article or email tips@seattlest.com with further questions, comments or tips.

By Kelly on October 19, 2011 3:00 PM 0 Comments

Comments [rss]

smlatte

What I like about Kelly Gorman is nothing. What i LOVE about her is EVERYTHING. Seattle, well, we had our moment, you welcomed me in, but after a few moments and shows at Comeback and a few nice nights at Re-bar, I realized---we were better off just friends, and by friends, I mean, well, Friendsters, if you get my drift.

The one thing I DO LOVE about Seattle gays is when they visit NYC. They become these gay-chameleons---transitioning into ladies of the night who only go out below 14th street---even though their hotel is on 41st and 9th. They morph into these dark gays---they ditch clothes from Zebra Club and Nordstroms, simply leaving them in the dressing rooms as they say "Charge it." to the gay working at OAK, or the Co-op." Even their awful haircuts seem to relax---as they nest deep down in the anonymous arms of gay NYC. The next thing they know, their faces are covered in baby-oil, they are in an apartment somewhere off the path train and the sun is coming up.

Seattle gays....call jetblue, don't bother packing, just come, then come again.

horseknuckle

Usually, I'm not one of few words, but in this case, the only thing I have to say is A-Fucking-Men.

Notice how I didn't say A-Fucking-Women??? Exactly.

Kelly, get yourself back here and make good on your threat. And bring your best Columbian, if you know what I mean.

xoxo

HK

J. Everett R.

Kelly is exactly what's wrong with New York City gays. When I head to the Cock or Macho Mondays I yearn to bring a lady as a defense against getting inappropriately touched (i.e., kissed), or hit on (i.e., hit on), or sexed at (i.e., felt up). Seattle allows me to be gay safely and keeps attractive gentlemen at bay so I don't have to follow through with anything, like just moving to New York City already. Other than that, Kelly is spot on.