Poor, Stoned, and Hungry: Vegan Bread and Chili
It's happened to all of us. It was love at first sight when you saw your now-love-interest in line at the dispensary, asking if the strains were animal-friendly. You were immediately enamored, but as soon as you exchanged phone numbers and made a date to have dinner at your place (mistake), you realized that your new crush is, in fact, a vegan.
And you? You consider cheese to be a food group, and without eggs, you'd have less muscle definition than a 4 year old. What are you going to make for this special someone that is both in line with his or her dietary needs, and doesn't single-handedly destroy your budget for the month?
Rest assured, stoner. You can make a totally healthy, totally delicious meal out of crap you have in your fridge, and your cow-coddling dinner guest will be none the wiser.
Prep-time: 20 minutes
Cook-time: Maybe 1.5 hours?
For the chili, you'll need:
- 2 cans of vegan beans, which is most beans. Any kind will do, but it's best if they're different kinds. Also, do a quick check to make sure they're not like, you know, pork and beans. One can of pinto and one can of red beans is recommended.
- 1 can of tomato sauce.
- 1 can of diced tomatoes (if you've got them. They help a lot, but aren't strictly required.)
- Hot sauce of any kind.
- Vinegar, probably red wine, but any will do
- 1 clove of garlic.
- 1 small onion.
- A tiny amount of brown sugar.
- 1 jalapeno, if you're real fancy.
- Olive oil
For the bread, you'll need:
- 1 12-ounce can of vegan beer. Pro-tip: Pabst is vegan.
- 3 cups of flour
- 1/4 cup of sugar, which is optional
- 3 teaspoons of baking powder
- 1 teaspoon of salt
- 1/4 cup of olive oil
- A loaf pan to bake it in.
Then you:
- Start pre-heating your oven for the bread. Preheat it to 375 degrees.
- Peel and chop the garlic and onions (and jalapeno if you're being fancy). On medium heat, heat a splash of the oil in a small pan. Add these things to the pan and cook them in the oil until they get soft and translucent. While this is happening, open the cans of stuff and put them in a large saucepan on low heat.
- Add the stuff in the pan to the stuff in the saucepan. Get it to simmer.
- Toss in as much hot sauce as you like. Also, at this time, add a little sprinkle of brown sugar and a splash of vinegar. Use a clean (CLEAN) spoon to see how it tastes. Make changes based on that. Add salt and pepper until it's good, but slightly bland. As all the ingredients sit together, it will get more flavorful.
- Let it simmer for an hour or more.
Once your chili is going strong, it's time to make the bread, which will take about 55 minutes to bake.
- You should have been preheating, so hopefully that is done.
- In a large mixing bowl, combine the flour, sugar, salt, and powder. Stir it all together.
- Now, slowly (SLOWLY) add the beer, while stirring. It should be lumpy, and you may not need all the beer. Once it's sticky but not too gooey, you're done with the beer. If there's still some beer, drink it. You'll need the courage for this date.
- Have you cleaned your apartment yet? You may want to do that once this bread is in the oven.
- Add some of the olive oil and stir it in.
- Now, coat the pan with the leftover olive oil. If there's still some, brush it on top of the dough once you've put it in the pan.
- Pop the pan in the oven. Set the timer for 55 minutes.
- Clean your apartment.
Ta-da! You're done. Nice job, buddy. Enjoy your awesome vegan meal and hot date.
Extra credit: If you are REALLY awesome and on top of things, you can get some kind of vegan non-meat protein, like vegan "ground beef". If you go this route, you will a.) look really impressive to your date, and b.) want to add the "meat" in with the onions and garlic before you toss it in the pot with everything else.
