Ancient Vampire Nicolas Cage Photo Mysteriously Disappears From eBay

A Seattle man was recently selling a picture on eBay that he claims is concrete proof the Hollywood celebrity (?) Nicolas Cage, is in fact, a vampire.

Offered at a starting bid of $1 million dollars (which seems like a fair offer), the picture was taken in Tennessee in 1870. The Seattle seller of this bit of earth-scattering evidence offers the following explanation:

"I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host."

But as a famous star, won't people realize that he never dies? Ah, there's the rub.The seller goes on to explain why this is such a great investment opportunity: because, as a vampire, Cage's star will only continue to rise, and this image is a keepsake.

My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point, maybe 70, 80 or so, then the actor 'Nicolas Cage' will 'die'... but in reality, 'Nicolas Cage' will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over. From time to time somebody might mention to him that he bears a slight resemblance to the young version that dead American actor, whose name they can't recall, but eventually, those occurrences will stop altogether.

Sadly, the eBay page has been removed, with only an error message appearing where it once was.

Perhaps our hometown vampire-outer was able to make a sale, as on Sept. 16 he had 78 offers. Nicolas Cage, should he have chosen to purchase the incriminating photo himself to burn or stare at or weep over, would have received a 25% discount.