Seattlest Says: Do Not Go to Pirate Bars on Talk Like A Pirate Day

Think back, won't you? Back to a time of innocence. A time before everyone and their mom went to Zombie Walks. A time when the most annoying group of people weren't covered in blood--they were covered in Seinfield-esque puffy shirts. Oh, the days when pirates re-roamed the Earth. Those were dark days, and for one day each year, they return, like non-undead douches from beyond the grave. Today is that day.

Today is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

You've been warned, sensible Seattleites. If you don't want to be surrounded by people saying "Yar!" and calling you "matey" (or worse: "wench"), or asking for pints of "mead" (like they'd know mead if it bit them on the ass), you'd be advised to avoid the following pirate-themed bars. Because if there's one place that non-self-aware jerks who talk like pirates on Talk Like A Pirate Day go, it's pirate bars.

This is not to say that we hate these bars. We even like some of them. But today, on this least hallowed of days, don't go to the following (non-mead-serving) establishments:

• Pillager's Pub, Greenwood. On a non-pirate-themed-day, this bar is already full of people in feathered hats, ill-fitting vests and eye-patches. Today, it will likely be unbearable.
• The Jolly Roger Taproom, Fremont/Ballard. We love the JR, because they serve fine beer by the good people at Maritime. We don't love people talking like pirates, so today, we'll go somewhere else. But just for today.
• Captain Black's, Capitol Hill. Of COURSE Captain Black's is going to be overrun by people talking like pirates, because it's the most well-known pirate-y bar in town. Pass.
• The Benbow Room, West Seattle. The boozey end of the Heartland Cafe, the Benbow Room actually looks like a pirate ship, which guarantees some asshat will definitely be there, telling people to walk the plank. Which is too bad, because on Mondays, they have a special on cheese curds.

Please note: we did not include the Baranof (so don't email us about it), because anyone who talks like a pirate there today will immediately be thrown out, probably by an old woman in a polyester pantsuit and a walker. Nor did we mention any of Seattle's various viking-themed bars, because, while vikings were technically pirates, they did not TALK like pirates, and thus, if you are in one of these plaes (the Knarr, the Viking, etc.) and someone begins to talk like a pirate, you have the right to give them the stink eye and tell them to vacate the premises.