The Wager: Chicagoist Talks Some Trash

From the editor: Well, it's a good thing I got my digs in over the weekend. This morning Seattlest is honoring our wager with Chicagoist editor Chuck Sudo by giving him space to talk up his city and get in his digs at Seattle. Chuck, take it away...and please keep it classy.

Before we begin, Seattle, I just want to let you know that, even though I came up with the terms of the wager, I find no comfort in doing this. Picking on the Seattle Seahawks right now is like Martin Crane picking on Frasier and Niles: it’s low-hanging fruit. Speaking of low-hanging fruit, I do promise this: no digs at Starbucks and flannel.

Even though your Seahawks beat the defending Super Bowl champs last week, the reality was they were a sub-.500 team. Our Town’s Bears, in making the outcome of this game a moot point early, actually did your city a favor. Could you just imagine the mass breakout of bandwagon jumpers running around town, screaming and skipping like Steve Ballmer after taking an eight ball, if the Seahawks actually won? The Bears saved your city from another week of unrealistic expectations… and an invasion of Packers fans. That’s actually worse than listening to Ballmer on an endless loop.

I could go on about what Chicago has over Seattle, but Seattlest’s own Alex Hudson made the case for me last Friday. To wit:

”We would like to get in on some of the sweet cultural action in the Windy City. For instance, we would like to have beluga whales at the aquarium, Van Goghs in the art museum and more than absolutely anything we would like to have a world class planetarium to blow our space-minds. We win, we get the space show. They win, they can have our far superior ballet company. On loan.”

First, “sweet cultural action?” Project much? Second: don’t go crowing about your “far superior ballet company” when Chicago is home to the Joffrey Ballet. Second, you’d have some “sweet cultural action” if you truly capitalized on your World’s Fair nearly a half-century ago. Chicago’s world-class museums were the result of a phenomenally successful World’s Fair. The legacy of Seattle’s World’s Fair wound up being Wheedle on the Needle.

”We will give you the best pho broth recipe in town for the secrets to making the deep dish pizza of our nostalgic dreams.”

Deep dish pizza is overrated. We would have put up a thin crust recipe, but you’re SOL now. And we’ll stick to the far superior phos on our Argyle Street, thank you very much.

”Since Chicago can't do coffee like we do, we'll throw down some Stumptown action to brighten their mornings.”

Oh, for God’s sake, Alex. If you’re gonna keep throwing food softballs my way, I’m gonna keep knocking them over the fence. You do realize that Chicago’s food scene is internationally renowned? If not, check out the Chicagoist food and drink archives for proof. Stumptown is good, I’ll grant you that. But with places like Intelligentsia, Metropolis, Asado, Star Lounge Coffee Bar, and Bridgeport Coffee Company, Chicago can do coffee better than Seattle. And we have the good sense to know when to put away the French press, to boot. But we can see why you would want to be caffeinated. You need something to keep away the morose feelings, since you don’t know what the sun looks like.

Comparing KEXP to WLUW wasn’t a fair comparison. It would have been more accurate (and more in Chicago’s favor) to compare KEXP to CHIRP Radio. You know what else I love from Seattle? Savage Love. Oh, wait. Dan Savage was born in Chicago, wasn’t he? Guess he can’t be claimed as a native son. You know who else had some formative years in Chicago? This website’s editor. And this website’s A&E editor, whose gChat status still identifies her as “Chicagoist Amy Mikel.” (Hi, Amy! You’re sister’s rocking the lit beat!)

There is a silver lining in this run by the Seahawks. It forced you to stop writing poetry long enough to realize you actually had some professional sports teams. But don’t start making plans to go to Sonics games now that the spell has been broken, unless you really want to take a road trip to Oklahoma City. Maybe Pete Carroll will stay around during the offseason and act as the “cool dad” for the entire city.