UW Football Game Nine: Once Upon A Time...

Know thy enemy. (Photo courtesy of UW Dawg Pound)

…in a mist-shrouded City of Emerald, there was a great house of learning called Washington whose champions were struggling to recapture their former glory. These sun-dodging warriors took the name Huskies, after what has been known since time immemorial as the most noble--and kickass--of canines. A humbling defeat at the hands of the Treemen from the Area of Bays caused many of the local villagers to wonder if the Huskies had lost all of their honor. And now the battered men of Washington must turn their eyes to the south and face an unspeakable evil that threatens to run rampant over the countryside (Saturday, half of an hour past noontime, um…ABC).

The product of an insidious tradesman who made his fortune on the backs of enslaved children in lands oversea, this malevolent horde appeared in the formerly peaceful hamlet of Oregon nigh on 15 years ago. 'Tis a conniving, Protean enemy, changing its face continually, as if trying to hide from a dark and shameful past. (The possibility that it be composed of shape-shifting daemons cannot be discounted.) Its standard: an unbroken ring, symbolizing not the all-perpetuating life-circle sung about by knights of yore, but pure nothingness, a widening gyre. For a time, this purportedly academically minded offshoot of a decidedly non-evil institution had as its vice-general an unlearned cohort of the evil empire's puppet master, showing the actual, nefarious aims of the enterprise. (Oh, and this past off-season, Oregon gave a year-long suspension to a back-up linebacker for a DUI and kicked a scrub receiver off of the team for a salty Facebook post, while letting superstar running back LaMichael James off with a one-game suspension after pleading guilty in a domestic violence charge--all of which is just too fucked up to be softened by being treated in a silly faux-fairy tale.)

While truly the representatives of all that is base and detestable in the world, this godless swarm is still the most powerful gridiron force in the land, and the Huskies will be hard-pressed to prevail this Saturday. Indeed, the loss of the Huskies' star warrior, Jake the Bold and Admittedly a Bit of a Disappointment, makes a positive result for the team frankly impossible. Of course, sometimes the princess finds the pea, Hansel and Gretal cook the witch, and Bilbo slays Smaug, so there is still hope that the Huskies will--someday--overthrow the repugnant swarm on the other side of the border. And when that day of history righting itself finally comes, the weary populace shall heartily rejoice and live happily ever after. Or for at least an off-season.

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By Adam Augustyn in News on November 4, 2010 8:00 AM

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#1 Ducks

Oh.... cry me a river.

It's such a horrible thing to have dominated UW for nearly the past decade and by more than 20 points the past 7 meetings. It is almost as large a rivalry as our friends in Corvallis. Was great to see you come to our house to suffer yet another beating.

It is so funny to hear everyone knock our assistance from our allum. That is getting pretty old. Come up with something original. I am sure that all of the allum from the UW and their business practices have been sparkling clean.

I am a fan of all of our NW teams and would celebrate the successes that your area programs might enjoy as well. Don't hate us just because we have been superior for the past years. Come and celebrate with us. We enjoy your city and all you have to offer. The better the Pac 10 does and the further it's teams go, the better off the entire conference becomes.

Look forward to visiting you next season.