Seattlest Guide to Holiday Air Travel
The last weekend before Christmas is upon us, which means the flood of humanity into America's airports is about to start. We confess, we hate air travel with a passion. From long lines and extra fees, to cancellations and confronting our own mortality whenever turbulence hits, the flying experience ranks somewhere next to "wisdom tooth removal" on our Things We'd Rather Not Do list.
Courtesy EdgarDiazRocks, from the Seattlest Flickr Pool
We also confess, however, that a big reason why we hate flying is our fellow passenger. Whether inconsiderate, just plain dumb, or a sad combination of the two, some people just don't get how to travel. So we've compiled a list of 10 unofficial point-to-point travel rules for that segment of the population. This ultimately is probably more of a venting exercise than an educational pursuit, because let's face it, those people probably can't read. Read on after the jump.
1) No babies on red-eyes. Your baby cries. There are plenty of daytime flights for you and little Damien, so stay off the overnighters where the rest of us try to sleep at an 85-degree angle. Just because the screaming spawn of Satan no longer fazes your withered and defeated soul, it still makes our ears bleed. There’s a reason some people don’t have kids, and you are it.
2) Bathe before leaving the house. We can’t believe this even has to be said. But based on the number of times we’ve been on a flight and subjected to someone’s foul, acrid essence, this is a real problem. In fact, there needs to be another level of screening at the security checkpoints where the literally unwashed are turned away and sent BACK TO THE FIRST GRADE.
3) Until you’re past security, keep your passport or ID out. C’mon, people. You know you’ll be asked for ID at least twice during the check-in and security process. So until you’ve been appropriately probed by the TSA, keep it out and handy. Save those of us in line behind you the 47 minutes it’ll take to find it once you throw it back in your blackhole-overpacked purse. In fact, we’ll staple it to your chest, because clearly you are a moron who will need to be helped home by a stranger upon landing.
4) No outside food on the airplane. Any outside food should be consumed at the gate prior to boarding. The minimalist Chex mix, animal crackers, and biscotti the flight attendants distribute are kosher because they pass the smell test of tolerability and decency. If you whip out Chinese food or an egg salad sandwich fifteen minutes after takeoff, assume that the person sitting next to you wants you to choke on it and die.
5) Use the overhead bin space like it's meant to be used. Most holiday flights are completely booked. This means you get room for ONE bag, and ONE item of clothing in the overhead bins. Everything else goes under your seat. It’s not our fault you didn’t check the 45 freaking gifts you brought for the nieces and nephews. Also, you are NOT to use a bin more than two rows aft. Why not? Because when we’re trying to get off the plane down a foot-wide aisle, you coming back to retrieve your stuff is like one big bowel obstruction with a face.
6) Seat assignments. If you know your bladder is the size of a grape, try to make everyone’s lives easier by preemptively booking an aisle seat. If one isn’t available, try a polite, logical negotiation with the person on the aisle after boarding. If they say no, then you’re within your rights to try and touch their nose with your ass en route to the bathroom.
7) Turn OFF the phone. We honestly don’t know how, or if at all, a cell phone in use messes with the plane’s computers. The "phones off" rule may really just be an elaborate hoax to preserve cabin silence, or it actually could be preventing our imminent deaths. Either way, turning phones off is a win-win situation. So if you’re still yammering on the phone when we’re number one for takeoff, you deserve to go to hell if we go down in a ball of fire.
8) Last word about smells …The seat cushion may save you in the unlikely event of a water landing, but it is not, we repeat, NOT, an effective flatulence containment device. Neither is the 2-millimeter thick airline blanket. So, Mr. Sneaky McFarterson, quit turning the cabin into a flying gas chamber.
9) Appropriate conversation. We understand it’s nice to meet your seatmates and pass the time with some small talk, which is fine. But ask one more time about "our walk with the Lord," and we’ll grind up three Ambien and slip it in your drink when you’re not looking. Topics also off-limits: climate change, Jon & Kate, aviation disasters, medical conditions.
10) Baggage claim etiquette. If you are too slow and miss your suitcase the first time it comes by, do NOT go chasing after it, barreling through people down the way. It will come back around, we promise. When it’s time to lift your bag off the carousel, lift up and directly back. If you try to swing it sideways for leverage, you will take out our kneecaps and we will sue you for all your money, which you’ve apparently packed in your luggage in the form of gold bricks.
There you have it. If you have any other friendly suggestions, post them below. Right now we'll get back to trying to figure out teleportation so one day we never have to fly together again. In the meantime, safe and smart travels to you.
