Grand Living At the Grand Lodge

It is here that we first experienced the wonder of Bi-Mart. Why Oregon and southeastern Washington should strategically corner the market for non-monosexual shopping venues is beyond us. Shame on you, Seattle. We've seen this store before on previous trips but never had the chance to go in. So we honestly had no idea what we'd find inside. Groceries? Lovers who didn't discriminate based on naughty bits alone? Automotive parts? The answer is somewhere in between and beyond, naturally. Allegedly, Bi-Mart is a membership-based discount store but nobody ever checked for our card. We went straight in proceeded gayly forward.

The store's web site claims that "each Bi-Mart is stocked with over 40,000 items that are specially chosen for your Northwest lifestyle and pocketbook." We can agree with the latter; however, with respect to the former we can think of a number of items that they could have carried for our Northwestern lifestyle. We walked out with cheap cigars, a NASCAR lighter, and chewy Sweet Tarts, though. A successful excursion!

Like all McMenamins properties, the walls and hallways and fixtures are full of reminders of the building's history. That's because they consult an emplotment of historians to research their properties. Then they get artists to decorate the place with paintings, words, and photographs that are stylized and somewhat marginally more PG13-rated versions of those often sordid histories:

Built in 1922 as a Masonic & Eastern Star home, this place has many stories to tell. Renovated and opened by McMenamins in 2000, what was once tranquil and serene is now vibrant and active… Inspired by the remarkable history of the city of Forest Grove and the building itself, McMenamins' artists have infused the Grand Lodge with a living history… and the rooms themselves are lyrical and inspired tributes to the remarkable cast of characters who've left their footprint here.

We can't tell whether it was a lodge in the retirement home or in the sanatorium / vacation or in the Masonic senses of the word. What we can say is the place did speak. Friends—as well as friends of friends—mentioned the same perceptions of their visits. More so than other McMenamins hotels in which we've stayed, this place seemed occupied by the actual ghosts of the past, although it was like a sort of amiable, entirely benign version of The Shining instead of the evil one.

Relaxation, and gluttony, are the orders of the day at the Grand Lodge. We'll devote an entire raving screed to the food and drink later but today we will speak about relaxation. There are no televisions in the rooms; however, they are swimming in wireless fidelity, which is a much better combination, in our opinion. The large Compass Room, which is where we imagine those pseudo-secretive Freemasons conducted their funky, theatrical rituals, hosts weddings and exhibitions during the day. At night, though, it becomes a movie theater, "brew and view" style. And if you wish to become fully 300% more moisturized, Ruby's Spa will not only pamper you but will make you slipperier than a proverbial greased Scotsman which nary an animal can outrun.

Whether or not you get a spa treatment, the outdoor soaking pool is not to be missed. Laid out with natural stone, heated water shoots through jets that are smaller, more diffused, and entirely more pleasant than the barbarian ones found in most other pools. The water is warm but not hot; again, a welcome divergence from what normally passes as a hot tub experience.

The local, organic-farm-running hippie couple we chatted with while soaking one afternoon told us that the pool uses natural salts and no chemicals. They themselves pay an admission fee to use this pool; you as a guest get free, unlimited access. We suspect the pool is not as old as the lodge, but we would like to think that lovable, gristly old Masons once soaked their tired, saggy, withered genitals in this pool in order tone them up and restore youthful vigor. In any case, when you finally emerge from the waters, your hair and skin feel amazing and fresh. After soaking in this pool, all others will forever be substandard.

Finally, because Oregon is a civilized state, one is allowed to smoke at the outdoor bars. We say this as non-smokers: this is the smell of freedom! Aside from the lazy pool, there was nothing finer during our stay than sitting at the Yardhouse Pub, near the disc golf course, where we overheard a group of coed, post-baccalaureate cubicle rats discussing office gossip, tallying their match, and bonding over their shared employer hatred. We sat and sipped a whiskey sour (and then a beer... and then a neat scotch...), read pretentious scholarly literature, and enjoyed our filthy cigars next to a nice fireplace.

The nice thing about Forest Grove is that there is very little to do there. One can stroll about the town or campus, neither of which take very long and both of which induce a leisurely pace. Of course, one can use it as a base to explore the surrounding locale; certainly wine country is a big draw. But sometimes it's nice to spend a weekend doing absolutely nothing, in the relative luxury of a place which will provide your every need. We suspect this is why those plucky Freemasons decided to build here: after controlling the whole world, you just have to get away and relax in relative obscurity.

Monday-ish: Food and drink