Portland, Why Don't You Just Go Ahead and Join the E.U.?

In our view, the metropolis on the other side of the Columbia River might as well be across the Atlantic. Portland's Europhilia has gone too far.

All the signs were there--a functional transit system, government endorsement of the weedbud, and all that damn bicycling--but the evidence is incontrovertible now that Portland has banished its baseball team in favor of a pro soccer franchise.

In case you are unfamiliar with baseball, a.k.a. "The National Pastime," it was invented by George Washington as a weight loss remedy for John Adams. The sport's popularity exploded during the Civil War when Walt Whitman taught every soldier how to play. In 1947, Jackie Robinson's appearance in the baseball's major leagues ended racial prejudice in the U.S. forever. More recently, baseball players have selflessly tested pharmaceuticals that will allow future Americans to lift Kansas.

All true Americans recognize that baseball is as American as baseball and apple pie. Not Portlanders. They are turning their baseball stadium, PGE Park, into a soccer-specific facility. The pro baseball Portland Beavers, who have played at PGE Park since the 1950s and have a history in the town stretching back to 1903, have nowhere to go. Two different proposed Portland stadium sites have met insuperable opposition. More than likely, the team will leave the Rose City. They will probably need passports to return.

Evidently the citizens of Portland would toss aside our national sport for soccer, an oppressive game invented by British aristocrats to amuse colonial subjects and the lower classes (probably).

If any Portland residents are evading their government thought police to read this, and would prefer to live in an American city, we invite you to move to Seattle.