America's #1 Comedy, Starring Your Seattle Mariners

"The Orioles took advantage of two errors by Seattle Mariners second baseman Jose Lopez for five ninth-inning runs and went on for a 5-3 victory Wednesday night ... The rally came against Mariners closer David Aardsma (2-3), who blew just his second save in 19 chances." -- AP.
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[A janitor flips on a light in the Seattle Mariners clubhouse. DAVID AARDSMA, a slender white guy in his mid-20s, stirs from his slumber on the floor in front of his locker. He rolls over onto his right arm.]

AARDSMA: Ow! Man, that hurts. Feels like I threw twenty high-velocity pitches in a tight game situation! But, that can't be...we were ahead by three runs when I came in.

[Panning out from AARDSMA we see, in the center of the room, the smoldering remains of a fielders mitt. JOSE LOPEZ, a prematurely pudgy Venezuelan, sits on a chair, looking quizzically at the mitt.]

LOPEZ: Hey, Aardsma. You know who burned my mitt?

AARDSMA: No...but what happened to all of Ichiro's stuff? And what's this note on his locker?

[AARDSMA reads note.]

[Cut to I-5 freeway entrance. ICHIRO, a Japanese emo-hipster, holds a "Los Angeles or bust" sign.]

AARDSMA: Oh my God. Jose, come with me. There's no time to lose.

[Cut to the interior of JOSE LOPEZ' late-model Cadillac Escalade. AARDSMA, sitting in the passenger seat, has just finished placing a call on his cell.]

AARDSMA: Manager Wakamatsu? It's me, Aardsma.

WAKAMATSU: David, where the hell are you guys?

AARDSMA: Listen, we f***ed up. We lost Ichiro.

WAKAMATSU: What? We're playing division-leading Texas in *five hours*.

AARDSMA: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.

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Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion tonight when All-Star Felix Hernandez leads the Mariners against Texas in what, due to yesterday's stunning loss to Baltimore, has become a must-win series. Hope they find Ichiro by then...