Phantom Bear Looking for Human Blood

With swine flu defeated, it’s time to turn our attention to the killer bear loose on our streets.

Although it may appear that bear is moving further north, away from the city and into the woods, most bear experts agree that this is simply the bear getting enough room for a good running start in which to unleash his orgy of death on Downtown.

Fact: Once a bear reaches speeds of 30 mph, they are impossible to stop with conventional weapons.

According to PBS, if the bear spots you, "Do not run. Avoid direct eye contact. Walk away slowly. Don’t scream or yell. Speak in a soft monotone voice and wave your arms to let the animal know you are human. If the bear charges, stand your ground, you cannot outrun it."

This is also what you should do if confronted by Mayor Nickels (hey-ohh).

If the bear attacks, drop to fetal position and play dead. (Note: This will get progressively easier during the attack.)

Remember, this bear wants to kill you, and destroy everything in your life. However, if you single-handedly catch the bear, the local media will call you a hero and you'll get a parade--just food for thought.