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Here with a preview of tonight's Washington vs. Seattle University game is Seattlest's SU Winter Sports Correspondent Cody Goins.
I worked as a Seattle University Tour Guide from 2002-05. If you were a potential student and visited campus at any point during those years, the odds are very good indeed that I was your tour guide.
As those were the days when I had not only decided shaving and cutting my hair was optional, but also that wearing the same lumberjack shirt and hobo hat every day was a very good idea, I am fairly certain that I repelled just as many students--if not more--than I actually enticed into enrolling.
Those are not good odds, and thus would not be considered a success. However, I did get paid for my efforts, which I considered a great victory at the time.
Aside from my innate understanding of what constitutes both “a victory” as well as “a success,” my SU alumni status also means that I am uniquely qualified to provide you with a comprehensive and objective preview of the upcoming SU/ UW basketball game. I am also going to tell you why and how SU is going to totally win. I will do this by providing several KEYS TO VICTORY AND SUCCESS.
We begin: The Huskies are attempting to gain an invitation into the NCAA Tournament after several seasons of futility, and their most recent streak of victories appears to have guaranteed them a spot in the 64-team bracket. Achievement of a major goal they set for themselves at the start of their season is all but guaranteed.
This is very important for Seattle University, as my first KEY TO VICTORY AND SUCCESS is “Try and Hope that the UW Does Not Care About This Game at All.”
Did you know that on the 2002-2005 “Official Seattle University Campus Tour,” there was actually not enough time for me to show potential students the Athletic Center? I would simply point towards the Central District and say “Yeah, it’s just two blocks past that Shell station. We don’t have time to walk there.”
In spite of the tour’s lack of commitment to athletic excellence, SU does have a storied tradition. Remember that movie about the first black people who were good at basketball?
Their team was undefeated until they played Seattle University.
Which brings me to my second KEY TO VICTORY AND SUCCESS: “Assistance from Elgin Baylor’s Ghost. “
You will soon see how it feels, Huskies.
Seattle University’s mascot used to be the Chieftains, but then the school changed the mascot to the Redhawks so we could give Sherman Alexie an honorary degree and not feel like jerks about it.
The girl that lives in my apartment with me bets on sports by picking which mascot would beat the other in a fight. As I am fairly certain that there is no real-life counterpart to a “Redhawk” (other than something very boring), I am free to imagine that it is huge and fast, like some kind of wrath-filled giant dinosaur-bird.
Which leads us to my third KEY TO VICTORY AND SUCCESS: “Seattle University’s Fictional and Angry Demonbird Mascot Would Easily Beat a Dog in a Fight.”
And finally, the FINAL KEY TO VICTORY AND SUCCESS: “My Love of Leigh Swanson, SU Forward.”
In the only Seattle University basketball game I have ever attended, this gentleman was placed in the game, ran around, immediately took four shots, and then got three fouls in something like ninety seconds. He is like a smaller, white, less strange, and more frantic Dennis Rodman.
When he gets on the court, it is as if Seattle University has ceased adhering to its age-old commitment to social justice and has instead dedicated itself entirely to rage and flailing limbs. I love Leigh Swanson.
As you can see, the University of Washington is destined to lose this game, but they will still go to the NCAA Tournament regardless. Seattle University will score an important victory while still in its D-1 infancy, and will take one more crucial step in its journey to become the “Gonzaga of Schools in Cities Where People Actually Want to Live.”
Final Score:
SU--VICTORY
UW--SUCCESS
The game is tonight at 8pm @ Hec Ed, and on FSN and KJR 950.
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