Could Snowy Streets Cost Nickels Election?
It's a Seattlest special report...from the future! We sent Editor Emeritus Seth Kolloen into 2009--let's face it, he's not getting much done the rest of 2008 besides raiding our liquor cabinet and shooting at "squirrels" who "looked at him funny." Just like Martin Sheen at the start of Apocalypse Now, we hadda send him upriver.
Doug Watson Overwhelmingly Elected Seattle Mayor:
"Clean Streets Initiative" Sweeps Watson to Victory
Doug Watson will be the 52nd mayor of Seattle after being carried to a landslide election victory on a wave of voter discontent with city transportation policy.
"Never again will our citizens live in fear of icy roads," Watson said to wild cheers during an election night party held at a sold-out Safeco Field. "Never again will we see those who perform critical city functions, like hospital workers, police officers, or Seahawks fans, let down by inadequate preparedness."
Watson announced his candidacy last December, after a snowstorm made many city streets impassable for two-wheel-drive vehicles and many buses for more than a week. His "Clean Streets Initiative" calls for a metal-bladed snowplow for each mile of city street, among other transportation improvements.
Mayor Nickels conceded defeat at Bimbo's Bitchin' Burrito Kitchen, the site of his own sparsely-attended election night party. The party was sponsored by the only known city organization to support Nickels' re-election, the Coalition for Urban Sledding.
Group founder Seth Kolloen, widely regarded as the worst sports blogger in the city, called Watson's win a difficult, but not insurmountable blow to the urban sledding movement.
"We will advocate for designated sledding zones that we urban residents can use to travel between craft shows and open-mike nights," Kolloen said before being punched in the neck by a reporter.
Asked if Watson's Clean Streets Initiative was too focused on increasing convenience and safety for drivers of motorized vehicles, Watson's campaign manager Brad "Ace-Dog" Hallowell disagreed. "There's safety stuff for bicyclists and pedestrians, too," he said.
Among these safety improvements are:
--Car/bike collisions will be eliminated, as bikers will be banned from city streets. Bike commuters may use designated lanes for commuting, like the Burke-Gilman trail or the Greenlake path.
--Elimination of unsafe pedestrian crosswalks. Pedestrians may use existing overpasses, or, if none are available, hail cabs to get them across streets.
--Those horse carriage things downtown? Yeah, those are out.
Watson also announced, to riotous applause, that he would install de-icing sprinklers along every foot of local railroad track, purchase 400,000 industrial-strength fans to dry out city streets after rainstorms, and authorize the purchase of four-wheel-drive city buses.
Said Watson in closing his speech: "For many people, one horrible week in December changed their lives forever. We can't go back and hold the potlucks that were canceled, reimburse the retail sales that were lost, or undo the dents that were put in bumpers. But we can let the healing begin -- and ensure for our children, our childrens' children, and, most importantly, our two-wheel-drive cars -- that this tragedy will never be repeated."
The heartbreak of "No Sushi Due to Snow" captured by Seattlest Flickr pool member cakespy. Thanks!
