Baby Jesus Wins In Lakewood

The Christ Child and the spawn of Satan, a.k.a. secularists, have been duking it out in Lakewood about who gets to claim "that major event in December involving an evergreen tree and lights on a string." Though Andrew Neiditz, the Lakewood city manager, says he wants to use inclusive language whenever possible to avoid offending non-Christians, he is firmly in Baby Jesus' camp: Neiditz declared that at least on his watch, said wintry event shall be named Christmas and said evergreen shall be named a Christmas Tree. It's the American way.