September 23, 2008
Local Man Assaulted by Starburst Candy
A local man who wishes to remain anonymous was violently assaulted by a Starburst candy in downtown Seattle Monday evening. "I was just heading home from work and bam! I felt a sharp pain in the shoulder," the victim said. "I looked down and there it was. A Starburst candy. The pink kind. I don't remember what flavor pink is--strawberry or something--but it hurt!" When asked if the victim had a message for the assailant, he said, "Yeah. If you catch him, tell him he's an a**hole. Those things are hard. And pointy."
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It says this post was written by Jack, but I'm pretty sure it was actually ghost-written by Matt Silvie.
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I know. The shit that guy writes.
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Who throws Starburst at people? Srsly! Skittles are enough to put your eye out. Candy is not a game.
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I was grazed in the head by a cd on 3rd Avenue at 2pm on a frigging Sunday once. I try not to be prejudiced against inanimate objects, but when they break character and animate, I just feel so indignant.