Local Man Assaulted by Starburst Candy

A local man who wishes to remain anonymous was violently assaulted by a Starburst candy in downtown Seattle Monday evening. "I was just heading home from work and bam! I felt a sharp pain in the shoulder," the victim said. "I looked down and there it was. A Starburst candy. The pink kind. I don't remember what flavor pink is--strawberry or something--but it hurt!" When asked if the victim had a message for the assailant, he said, "Yeah. If you catch him, tell him he's an a**hole. Those things are hard. And pointy."