Normally, we are thrilled at the prospect of men, or otherwise ostensibly male-looking people, wearing not-pants. We remember our first visit to Seattle and seeing a kiosk at the Fremont Fair for a then-fledgling Utilikilt operation. Our friend bought one and proceeded to look v. stunning in it. Sure, sure, a large part of that was because he was hawttt. But the more important reason was that he had excellent fashion sense to begin with, which was only enhanced by this new, exotic garment that he had added to his sartorial lexicon.

Since moving here, though, we have grudgingly and barely tolerated the Utilikilt and we still wrestle with it philosophically. We say that because we fully support the Male Trouserless Initiative. On the other hand, we scoff at the apparent need to (hyper-)masculinize the elegant kilt, but that could just be our aberrant penchant for wearing actual skirts talking. To each their own, no? So what really sticks in our craw—and not in a good way—are the dumpy ways we frequently see Utilikilts worn. Our internal Tim Gunn bristles and wails.

Listen, be-kilted dudes, things will turn out much better once you realize this fundamental fact: kilts are not merely substitutes for pants. They require different outfit considerations and even minor behavioral adjustments. Furthermore, they are, for worse and worst, still "exotic" pieces of menswear. As such, they are visible. Thus, wearing a kilt while violating good fashion and social practice elsewhere in your outfit not only magnifies the shortcomings of the outfit as a whole but it degrades this garment for menswear in general.

Also, it makes you look like a buffoon.

As with driving privileges, we sometimes believe that buyers ought to take a course in their proper operation. But that would be snobbish of us to admit publicly. Instead, we'll just parcel out unsolicited advice. The following are a few of the most egregious mistakes we've seen Utilikilted men make.

1) Improper footwear. Despite what the casually-biased media says, flip-flops and Crocs are not acceptable anywhere outside the shower and garden, respectively, or perhaps the emergency ward if you are a doctor. Just don't do it. Period. Additionally, the Utilikilt is a structured,highly tailored garment. It is not casual. Sports sandals are ugly casual. Do not mix the two.

Really, in the staid world of men's footwear, there are only two viable choices. For dressing up, you should approximate formal Highland dress with knee-highs, spats, and dress shoes. For dressing down, wear boots. Personally, we think knee-high boots look better.

2) Knees together, gentlemen! Look, we realize you've obviously got a Saturn V rocket and a pair of Tacoma Domes under the hood; that's why you've opted for the vast subterranean real estate afforded by a kilt. Clearly. But there is no need to look like a slack-jawed hillbilly, taking up two seats on the bus while sitting spread-eagled or, worse, doing that allegedly "manly" leg-crossing thing with one foot on the other leg's knee. This brings absolutely no dignity to your enlightened choice of lower garment. It's crass, too. Just stop it. Your sack of cantaloupes will compress nicely (and pleasurably) without any need to pursue testicular manifest destiny.

3) Tops. Across the board, the introduction of the generic mens-sized t-shirt as an outergarment is the biggest abomination to have entered the fashion world. Men's t-shirts don't fit; they hang. And, given our boggling propensity for oversized shirts, they hang with the grace of cheap church curtains. We've seen far too may stretched-out t-shirts sloppily draped over a kilt. Don't try to dress it up with an open, buttoned short over it. You may be wearing not-pants but you are not fooling anyone: it looks dopey.

Buttoned-down dress shirts are fine, as long as they have a tailored fit and, preferably, are designed to be worn untucked. If you must tuck them, wear a suitcoat or smashing light jacket over. If you're subversive, resurrect the long-lost art of the vest (not fleece!). Alternatively, consider a well-fitting sweater. Few things will look hotter one of those well-fitting military pull-over sweaters with the shoulder loops and patches. It's called "layering" and there is nothing particularly difficult, un-American, or frightening about it.

You may have noticed a pattern: clothes should fit and not hang. We're tired of a world full of frumpy Adam Sandlers, and it causes us pain to see kilts done wrong. Go ahead and free yourself from the tyranny of trousers... but please exhibit some style and taste when doing it.

Photo courtesy of SlightlyNorth, Seattlest Flickr Pool