Presidential Round Table Discussion

Luke (The New York Times): And of course, all of this takes us farther and farther away from being able to talk about candidates based on their positions on policy. I don't mean us, I mean the media. One of the top stories in my RSS news feeder this morning was about how Michelle Obama scored MAJOR fashion points Tuesday night. Yawn.

Unfortunately, these ARE the types of stories that fly with a HUGE demographic. It's the same reason why rumors persist that Obama is a Muslim, that McCain is too old, and that Romney is fueled by an energy drink called "Orange Fundamentalade." That last rumor, by the way, is one I'm starting now. These are easily digestible stories with huge potential for an emotional payoff. Attach anything "good" to the word 'Muslim' and you instantaneously arouse a good chunk of the population. Let's try it, "Muslim Otter Pops." Hell no! America is number one! Go back to Africa!

My mother, an intelligent, educated, nursing instructor with over 30 years of medical experience ranging from ER to Intensive Care to Family Practice to Long Term Health to Medical Instruction said to me recently, "I'm not so sure about Obama, I heard he might be a Muslim."

"Where are you getting your information, mom?"

"I read it someplace on the internet."

This is the same woman who thinks it says a lot about Obama's character and commitment to the United States because he doesn't wear a flag pin. A woman whose own religion warns against the perils of idol worship and iconography but still finds a way to place significant relevance to the wearing of a 30-cent piece of tin.

These tactics work because emotion trumps logic in all but the most self-reflective listener. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and eat at McDonald's because a bunch of cool skater kids on TV are "lovin' it" and I want to "love it" too.

John (The Los Angeles Times): I don't go to a fancy GYM like Senator Siano, but I do know that Closed Captioned news is no laughing matter.

See that? Same side, pointless bickering. My point? Pointless.

I'm more interested in seeing what Obama/Biden stands for rather than what McCain is doing wrong. Also, ObamaBiden: the great new verb ("Hey, let's go ObamaBiden on Saturday!") or adjective ("That dress is a little too ObamaBiden on you, Mrs. Clinton.")?

Tom: Obiden? Biboma?

John: DNC...

Jeff (Newsweek): This photo enrages me, because that's the kind of "responding to opinion polls" type stuff that goes on at conventions. A bunch of political-eggheads sitting around planning things, and dumbing things down to address John Q Sixpack:

Someone at DNC HQ: Polls show that Americans view Al Gore as stiff, unfeeling.

Some other Cajun: We should have him plant a big wet one on his wife, to show he's passionate.

Al Gore: So, I walk up there, sling my jacket over my shoulder, and kiss my wife. Yeah, okay. I can do that. (Al Gore goes home and practices with a comb in front of the mirror.)

It's not spontaneous. It's gross. It's manufactured. It's like watching the Juicy Juice Girl. She's going through the motions--but something's off. There's nothing behind the lines that are being said.

Luke: God, what I wouldn't give to be kissed like that.

John: Hey, you guys know where I can buy some beer? Or hash? Love, John Q Sixpack.

Mark: Obama used to be a dealer, but he only sold to Muslims.

Jeff: It's true. I read it on the internet.

Luke: We're getting off topic, but I'm throwing in with Biboma. Sounds like a rare form of cancer. A rare form of cancer that encourages economic growth through rational hierarchical taxation policy and domestic production strategies.

Tommy: And by not being black….or, actually, being 1/4 black.

Seattlest: The conventions used to be a forum for parties to decide on a nominee and hash out differences. Then each party took control and turned them into a infomercials. Lately, however, it feels as if the media has taken control of these events, and now dictates the coverage based on what stories they want to cover.

Jeff: As much as I want to pretend these news analysts are isolated in a box just verbally jacking each other off, the unfortunate truth is that their pundit porn (copyright me, 2008) does seep into the American Consciousness. As Luke's mom pointed out, "Obama doesn't wear a flag pin...is he American?"

Here's a social experiment I would love to see: You have two campaigns run exactly identically. For candidate A, the press does negative stories. For candidate B, the press runs positive stories. Even if both candidates gave the exact same speeches and had the same platforms and behaved 100% in the same manner...I guarantee candidate B would win. And that's what is frustrating about this election process.

Luke: They should just let Bob Costas run the "Human Interest" portions of the convention.

"One of the amazing things about Barack Obama is that he was not always an adult. At one point in his life, he was a child. A child, as our own Bela Karolyi found out, that was much shorter than he is today."

Seattlest: Heading into Denver most of the stories were negative; Senator’s Clinton’s delegates are unhappy, there are some in the party who feel that Senator McCain should be attacked more, do you think this is affecting the party?

Jeff: I feel like this goes back to our roundtable about the press in an echo chamber. The media is a form of entertainment and needs a story to sell their product. Who is really "talking"? People like you and I, or every news outlet echoing the same story an infinitum--which unfortunately, as the old adage goes, a lie repeated a thousand times becomes the truth. The problem with 1000 channels is that the same lie is told once on each channel, and it quickly becomes de facto.

Pundits are paid to have an opinion every night. If you come home from work, and watch a mediocre episode of Family Guy, you don't even notice. You flip channels and move on. But if after every episode you had a television camera in your face, you'd have to coagulate your opinion into something more solid in order to attract viewers to your news show. "That episode was lousy. The writing needs to improve if they want to win the hearts and minds of television viewers."

Ryan: I watched Hillary's speech endorsing Barack at the convention, and I gotta say, she sounded pretty convincing, but IMMEDIATELY after her speech was over the news channel I was watching played a clip of her from this spring saying that "John McCain has years of political experience, and Barack Obama has a speech he gave in 2002".

That is going to be a theme from now until November I'm afraid, the Republicans just using all of Hillary's campaign speeches against the Dems. I wouldn't be surprised to see the 3am phone ad get dusted off.

The only ace the Dems have up their sleeve is the debates. That will be fun to watch.

Tommy: The other ace is truth and a genuine care for the well-being of humanity. (actually, more like the three of clubs)

John: I, too, am awaiting the debates because I feel a little more strongly that the media-addled people will forget much of the insult buzz-phrases--e.g., "secret Muslim", "flag lapel," "McCain is a codger"--and focus on the discussion...and the subsequent hoopla that comes out of one of the candidates saying the wrong thing by accident. There is a waterfall of information that has grown into a near-flood these days, pouring bits ranging from mad cow disease to Brangelina's twins into our gaping maws. And we forget these things shortly thereafter to make room for more bits. So, September and October will be the most crucial months for attacks, speeches, and the 7th-inning buzz-phrases to determine the leader of America.

And god, that's a bit depressing.

Tom: All this shit is Snakes On A Plane. Remember all the hype for that film that congealed into...nothing? Same holds true here. So let the fools have their Tar Tar Sauce.

Ryan: So Tom, what you're saying is that we have nothing to worry about and the election isn't going to be as close as the media is reporting? Please say yes.

Tom: Yes. That was easy.

The media can suck a bag of dicks. Visualize this.

Jeff: I picture a clear plastic bag, with all the dicks just mushed together like a bag of chicken hearts.

Ryan: I'm more of a baguette man.

Jeff: That means you're gay. It's true. I read it on the internet.

John: I immediately pictured a brown McDonald's-style paper bag with grease stains with a bunch of white, puffy faces trying to edge their way into the bag's small opening like it was a trough. Goodnight, Virginia!

Tom: I picture each member of the media having to select a severed turgid dick from a black velvet bag, then forcing themselves to hork the bleeding cock like an oversized push pop, their gaping open mouths gasping to shove the thing inside.

This image helps when I see news reports about scary new credit card scams. Be afraid! Be afraid!

And when did the media turn into the Be Afraid channel? What happened to simply reporting the events? Fuck, right: they have to sell detergent now.

Ryan: My cable provider doesn't carry the Be Afraid Channel. Fucking Time Warner.

Jeff: Here's the mind (dick?) blowing question: Is the election close because the media reports as close? Wait. Isn't that what the Oracle asks Neo in the Matrix?

Luke: You all know I support Obama. But I have the creepy, gut-level feeling that McCain is going to win this. I don't WANT this to happen. But I'm beginning to think it will. Too much Hillary bitterness, too much middle America weirdness, too many rumors, If my mom (a lifelong Democrat) is going to vote McCain over some flag pin bullshit; that's just not a good sign.

Jeff: There was a time when--6 months ago--when I thought, "There's no way Hillary could beat McCain. She's too polarizing. I think it should be Obama." Now, I find myself secretly thinking, "Did we fuck up? Is Hillary more electable?" I'M AFRAID OF CREDIT CARD THEFT!

Luke: I think that if Hillary were the candidate, she would be defending herself against equally vitriolic attacks. Granted, not the same ones because I'm pretty sure she's not Muslim and she usually wears a flag pin, but there would be something.

I'm holding out for the Republican convention and the debates when McCain HAS to speak. All we need are a few more gaffes like "bomb, bomb Iran," "How many houses do I own," or "I eat babies to steal their soul force," and I think we're in the clear.

Ryan: I would actually be willing to bet money on another tie. Decided, once again, by the Supreme Court. Any takers?

Jeff: Okay. $100 says that doesn't happen.

Seattlest: Thank you for your time. Enjoy the speech tonight.