Plenty of Tools (and Their Purse Dogs) at Kirkland Uncorked

There are times when we’re sick of Seattle. Sick of the bad and/or utter lack of fashion, sick of the terrible drivers and even worse pedestrians, and certainly sick of all the hipsters in Capitol Hill.

And then we visit Kirkland, and it’s all put in perspective.

We made a trip to the suburbs this weekend for the Kirkland Uncorked festival, where there were all kinds of wines to sample from two dozen Washington State wineries. A friend of ours claims Kirkland is just like Southern California, what with all the fake tans, boob jobs, overt flaunting of status, and guys with small dicks driving flashy cars. This latter trait is decidedly on point, especially since we saw not one, but two, obscenely bright Lamborghinis on our way to Marina Park.

In the Uncorked sampling tent and pavilion, the wines were plentiful and tasty, but we quickly ran out of tasting tokens, and so we turned our attention to the main event of the day: the grilling competition. Jay already mentioned this face-off featuring three chefs, their culinary skills, and their grilling expertise. For the record, Brix 25º’s Dan Hutchinson won. But did that matter? No, because Kirkland single dad Jason Mesnick, who was dumped on the latest season of The Bachelorette, was one of the competition's judges (he's the one on the left). And so the ladies were in full effect, falling all over themselves to get his attention with their designer sunglasses and oversized purses, their mini dogs and their finest maxi dresses.

For the record, our source at the scene claims that Mesnick was kinda a tool, asked a lot of dumb questions, and had tons of cougars hitting on him after the event. "I didn't even know who the hell he was–he had to explain himself to me–which was hilarious. Then he kept trying to defend himself thinking that I was judging him for being on a reality show when in all actuality I didn't care. He wasn't even attractive. Word on the streets is he'll be the next Bachelor."