Three Tips to Joyless Boating

You don’t need to be a member of the Seattle Yacht Club to be a snobby boater. Follow a few simple rules and you too can avoid being confused for a visitor of lesser boating pedigree like some Lake Tapps drunk.

• 50 percent of snobby boating etiquette is in the non-verbal communication. Arms folded, slight head shaking and a stern look are all that’s needed to convey complete command of the Montlake Cut, especially in the face of younger people who appear to be enjoying themselves. Of course, a golf shirt tucked into khaki shorts doesn’t hurt the imagery. After all, what’s the point of leisure activities if there isn’t the constant presence of the disapproving, fun-hating, boat dad looking on?

• Don’t look poor. Seattle’s privileged elite have no room for your 1978 Century on their storied waters. The boats of the underclass are to be scrutinized with disdain. Unless you want to be mistaken for somebody who's trolling for a houseboat to break into, avoid a crappy boat at all costs.

• Absolutely no rap music! Angry boat dad isn’t comfortable with any music that couldn’t be played over the loud speakers at a Safeway, so don't even try it. Anything to the left of Sting is too ethnic. Your semi-audible, 14-year-old's Outkast CD has no place on Portage Bay, this isn’t Howard University, for Chrissakes! The water should be like a dentist's office, only with more rules, not some freewheeling Freaknik.

Seattlest learned the hard way that the fresh water channels of this city are a serious place, with many a concerned boat dad giving their all to make sure this leisure activity is as stale and lifeless as God intended. Follow these rules and you too can wonder where the joy in this expensive hobby is.

Photograph courtesy of Seattle Municipal Archives from the Seattlest Flickr Pool