Sure, we've read his bestselling book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting. Heck, we even own the DVD. But it wasn't until after last night's lecture at Town Hall, presented by Parent Map, that we could truly call ourselves John Gottman fans. He charmed the sold-out crowd with heartwarming anecdotes and stone-cold research, and by the time we left, we were better, calmer parents (or soon-to-be parents).

Part local legend, part international guru, Dr. Gottman has spent over three decades studying the relationships of hundreds of couples and families. As Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington, he founded the Family Research Lab, also known as the “love lab,” where many of his groundbreaking discoveries have been made. He and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, are co-founders of The Gottman Institute, which trains and educates mental health professionals and families. Oh, and he’s appeared on Oprah. Sold? Let’s move on to his parenting secrets.

It’s about emotions, stupid. And if you think emotions are stupid, your relationships are pretty much doomed. Take it from Gottman. Through his research on couples, performed at the love lab, which he said is a lot like a bed and breakfast, but with video camera surveillance, urine sampling, and heart rate monitors, Gottman and his team were able to predict with 90% accuracy whether a relationship would thrive or end. Gottman gave a simple explanation: it's the calmer couples, the ones who are gentle with and respectful of each other's emotions, stay together. It turns out that the same idea applies to successful parenting.

Through his research on families, Gottman determined that there are two types of parents: emotion coaching and emotion dismissive. (Those of us from the East coast may be more familiar with the latter—not that Seattlest writers’ parents were anything but supportive and nurturing at all times.) Emotion dismissive parents embrace a “suck it up and move on” mentality, especially when it comes to emotions like sadness, fear, and anger.

Gottman explained that an emotion dismisser views a child’s “negative” emotion as a sign of their own failure. They simply prefer that the child be cheerful. Constantly. So the parent insistently focuses on the positive, without acknowledging any perceived negative, and reacts to the child’s emotion with distraction, tickling, even punishment—whatever it takes to “move on” as quickly as possible.

The problem with that approach, according to Gottman, is that besides encouraging a child to see themselves as wrong or odd for having perfectly natural emotions, these feared instances of emotion are prime teaching moments, opportunities for parents to connect with their children and impart the kind of coping skills that can lead to happier lives. Emotion coaching parents realize this, and they act accordingly.

Emotion coaching parents' reaction to a child’s upset, which they are more likely to pick up on than emotion dismissive parents, is likely to be a question: “What’s the matter?” This opens up a dialog in which the parent communicates understanding and empathy, as in “Your finger hurts doesn’t it? It really hurts when I bang my finger like that.” A well-intentioned, emotion dismissive parent would likely downplay what they see as a minor injury and encourage toughness, as in “That little scratch? It’s nothing. You’ll be fine.”

As Gottman began to lay out the five following five steps for effective emotion coaching, a wave of shuffling noises washed over the Town Hall audience as purses and backpacks were scavenged for pens and pads. You can just hit print.

1. Notice emotions. Hone your ability to read faces and voices and pick up on the specific ways in which your child expresses emotion—even lower intensity ones.

2. View emotions in a positive light. See them as opportunities for teaching and intimacy.

3. Work to understand your child’s emotions. Offer validation and explain how you’d feel if you were in their shoes.

4. Provide verbal labels for emotions. Words and emotions are processed on different sides of the brain. Getting both sides to work together empowers a child to work through the feelings.

5. Set limits. Emotion coaching isn’t a lovey-dovey free-for-all for kids. While all emotions are acceptable, not all behavior is. Do not tolerate misbehavior.

Parents who consistently practice emotion coaching reap big rewards for themselves and their children. Sure, Gottman said children of emotion coaches are physically healthier, get along better with peers, and show higher academic achievement—mainly the result of the kids’ helpful ability to calm and soothe themselves, and therefore pay attention. However, the most precious rewards are not the kind that you can quantify or put on a bumper sticker. They’re small but incredibly meaningful moments, like when your child chooses to open up to you. Or when you overhear them as they repeat your wisdom to a friend, as Gottman’s daughter did years ago. She told her playmate, “You know, sometimes we get angry at each other, and that’s okay. But you really gotta talk about it and work it out.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves.

Gottman’s newest project, Bringing Baby Home, focuses on the transition from pregnancy to parenthood.