Turns out Amazon.com's customer service department isn't staffed by computers -- just sarcasm-savvy people who use computers.

Consumerist broke the story: Amazon Sends "Best Customer Service E-mail I've Ever Received". We'll summarize:

One of Amazon.com's Black Friday deals was the chance to win a $1000 laptop for $299. Many people entered; most of them were unsuccessful. Some theorized that Amazon employees had snatched up all the good deals, since no one they knew had won one.

One customer, A. Hildebrand, satirized the conspiracy theorists with a Customer Discussion post called OH NO I DIDN'T WIN A LAPTOP. He begins:

Oh nooooooooooooooo! Here I was, voting on a laptop, and I didn't win! I can't believe it, but the proof is there in all its HTML misery: "We're sorry."

Sadly, I had hinged all my future plans on getting this laptop. I was going to write epic novels on it while sipping mochas at the Starbucks down the road. It was going to be so grand. But now that I didn't win, my life as I know it is over!

He sent his missive to Amazon's executive customer service email address.

The response? So perfectly in sync with the spirit of his original message it earned kudos from marketing jedi Seth Godin. The whole, awe-inspiring thing:

Hello from Amazon.com.

My name is Autumn Walker of Amazon.com's Executive Customer Relations. Jeff Bezos received your email and has asked me to reply on his behalf, taking any action necessary to assist you.

I understand and fully empathize with your desire to write epic novels using the "HP Pavilion TX1305US Notebook PC" offered in the "Amazon Customers Vote" promotion. I had similar hopes of producing my own work of greatness when I cast my vote.

Perhaps fortunately for the general public, neither I, nor any of my colleagues whom I was ready to beg from, won this round. (Come to think of it, I don't think we won *any* rounds.) It is important, however, that your genius be heard.

I am unable to take one of the fully claimed and purchased laptops away from its winning owner to provide you with this deal, nor will we be discounting other $1000.00 items to the fire-sale price of $299.00 offered in our "Amazon Customers Vote" promotion. As I'm sure you are aware, promotions are for a limited time only and cannot be extended.

I share your wonder that neither you nor any of the other 18 bloggers participating in your thread did not win the "Out & About" round. As a matter of fact, I was quite vociferous in like-minded protest. Perhaps the response I received to my own objections may clear this matter up somewhat: when I stoutly declared that some member of my voluminous family should have statistically won something, I was reminded of a common thread in our "Customers Vote" forum which states buying a lottery ticket only marginally increases one's chances of winning the lottery.

Take heart; Norman Mailer wrote all of his novels by hand. And you've surely heard the phrase, "the pen is mightier than the sword"? It would sound absurd to substitute "laptop" for the word "pen."

In the meantime, since fate has conspired against me as well, I will continue the process of gathering material for my novel, (also known as staying employed.) This means that I will certainly be on hand to help you find exactly the right Sharpie should you wish to persevere in your brilliant endeavor. That is, until next year's "Amazon Customers Vote" promotion...

Despite this setback, I eagerly await the publication of your novel, and can assure you that I will be among the earliest purchasers at the bookstore.

Here's wishing you the best of luck in next year's promotion!

Regards,

Autumn Walker Executive Customer Relations

Some Consumerist commenters are speculating that Autumn Walker is a pseudonym, but someone mentions she's a real person. Autumn, if you're out there, we want to hear from you. Interview?

What's up with the photo, you ask? It's Grundlepuck's "The View from Amazon," a selection from our Flickr pool that we thought fit this post perfectly.