I Hate Your Team and So Does Jesus: A Seahawks vs Niners Preview
In April we asked our Bay Area sports correspondent Bob Arkansas to preview the AL West, now he's back to give his thought on Sunday's NFC Showdown.
Greetings my soggy friends in the Northwest Province!
The last time I wrote something for the Seattlest it was a season preview for the Mariners and pretty much every prediction that I made was wrong. These brilliant insights included the Mariners losing more games than they'd win, finishing 3rd in the AL West, the M's being generally really terrible, Vidro only hitting .230, Sexson striking out 200 times, and Beltre would hitting 20 homeruns max. Actually the only thing I got right was the title: "Jesus hates your team . . ." How else you explain getting in the wildcard lead with a month left in the season and then dropping 17 of 19? The lord giveth and the lord bitch slaps you when you start to believe.
Regardless, because I so brutally failed in predicting an entire season, the Seattlest decided to take it easy on me and just have me "preview" the upcoming showdown for the lead in the NFC West this Sunday between the Niners and the Seahawks. But this time, I've learned my lesson: all my predictions are wrong; therefore, I am going on record as predicting that the Seahawks will win this Sunday 27-0.
I was at the game at Candlestick last year and Gore ran for something like 200 yards. If he wasn't so damned slow, it would have been three hundred yards, but Trufant caught him from behind at least twice. Jeremay Stevens (the man with the Tephlon gloves) kept getting open down the middle, but not getting thrown too and it kept freaking out the friend I was with, but I told him not to worry because he'd drop it. Then they threw it to him and he caught it and the friend was starting to curse me out for saying that he'd drop it but before he could get all the way through "you said he couldn't catch" Stevens fumbled. I know he's not on the team anymore, but it was awesome at the time. Oh yeah, the Niners won that game and then they won the game in Seattle, but that was last year and things have changed since last year.
Where should we start with the changes? Why not with Darrell Jackson? I can understand getting rid of bitchy wide receivers for next to nothing; hell, the Bay Area practically invented it (TO, Moss) but you don't do it to a team in the division unless the guy really sucks and D-Jack (is that what you called him? We don't have a nickname for him yet) led you guys in receiving yards and touchdowns. One really doesn't do it when the team in the division would otherwise be starting Ashley Lelie.
In addition to the wide receiver swap (and by swap I mean we got a starting WR and you got a turd in a paper bag), the Niners first round draft pick is a man-beast named Patrick Willis. He was the original inspiration for Beowulf. Nostradamus predicted his coming in 1560. When Sean Alexander heard about the pick, he called Holmgren up to tell him that he didn't want to die a virgin, but Holmgren's mouth was full of food, so he couldn't talk.
Boy is Holmgren fat. Do you know who isn't fat? Mike Nolan. That's right, our head coach isn't a slob like your head coach and since the game is at Candlestick, Nolan will be wearing a suit which will Holmgren look even more slovenly and we all know that dreaminess wins football games.
Since the game is at Candlestick, you guys won't have any piped in crowd noise to screw up the opposing team. ("The 12th Man" was the gay orgy sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas." The cliffhanger at the end is that the 12th man is actually a chick with a dick. Of course I'm the guy from San Francisco talking about what the head coaches look like and gay porn, so I've set you up for some really brilliant "huh, huh, you and everyone from your city is a bunch of homos" "humor" in the comments section.)
I've had more sex with more women than Shaun Alexander. He's the only running back in the NFL that this is true for. Furthermore, Matthew Hassle-blech (R-Washington) is the only QB in the NFL that is less famous than his sister-in-law. How can you live with yourself supporting these characters? They probably haven't even date-raped a cheerleader since high school! You should expect more from your pro athletes. On the other hand, the Niners have a slow, small running back with no tendons in his knees, who ran for 1700 yards last year and a quarterback who lives in a fort and plays Halo. I know who I'd rather root for.
The final important change that has occurred since last year's games is whatever credits that the Seahawks had stored up with the football god (say it with me: there is no god but Joe Montana and Bill Walsh is his prophet) after the 2005 Super Bowl were cashed in during last year's "Tony Romo takes the snap . . ." playoff game so any bitching about Super Bowl XL or the sad state of officiating in general by your side will surely be met by laser-guided lighting strikes from God. He's tired of listening to your whining about it. (In order to find his equal, a Niners fan is forced to talk to God. Yeah, I just dropped a Braveheart reference on you. If the Scottish had drafted Patrick Willis when they had the chance, there would have been a Scottish Empire instead of a British Empire, we'd all have red beards and Seattle would be called New Aberdeen and I wouldn't be making fun of you for being soggy because as Scots it would remind us of the motherland.) If He had wanted you to win, you would have won, but He's still a little peeved about the Brian Bosworth's haircut. Furthermore, He wanted me to remind you all shouldn't be proud of your recent playoff run because the NFC in general has sucked and the NFC West in particular has been an abomination. It is folly for the smartest kid on the short bus to get too full of himself.
So in conclusion the Niners have gotten quite a bit better since last year (when they beat you hacks twice,) the Seahawks have stayed the same (or gotten worse depending on how you value Darrell Jackson) the game is in San Francisco, and most importantly, I've learned my lesson about the quality of my predictions. The Niners won't even flirt with beating the two point spread.
Bob Arkansas lives in San Francisco and is the author of several books including 'How Dave Matthews Band Made a Better Christian.'
