Floozy Rattlesnake Teases, Assaults Portland Man

PORTLAND, Ore. - Portland snake enthusiast, Matt Williamson was rushed to the hospital after a recent assault by an unnamed rattlesnake.

"She kept whipping her tongue at me, like, you know, she wanted it," Williamson said. "Plus my girlfriend was being kind of a bitch and I wanted to make her jealous."

But Williamson's lust-filled plan backfired.

"I walked over, made small talk with her. She wouldn't tell me her name, but the way she was writhing around, it was obvious she was into me. So I went for it."

What happened next, friends say, was as unbelievable as it was inevitable. As Williamson began open-mouth kissing the snake, she latched on to his tongue, delivering a dual deadly dose of venom and karma.

"He had it coming," said a longtime friend. "He's been making inappropriate advances toward animals for years. Linda, my Pomeranian, well, she's just lucky she doesn't have any thumbs."

While Williamson admits to having had a lot to drink, he blames the snake for sending mixed messages.

"If you don't want to make out, just tell me. Don't turn my face into a red bloated mess."