How Much Is That Systems Coordinator In the Window?

KEXP is having an auction of some kind where they sell off a lot of crap they have lying around to the highest bidder. Fanboys and girls of the radio station can get a place at the High Dive VIP table, the transmitter, their urinal (those wacky DJs), or an evening with Systems Coordinator Cyrus Despres.

Despres is described thusly in the auction listing:

While most people strive to be on-air DJs or work in the promotion or marketing departments of KEXP, Cyrus had a different dream. He had a dream that no one could really understand or appreciate. He wanted one day to be "KEXP Systems Coordinator." Sure, he didn't know what the position meant but heck, neither do we. What's important is this: He sits at a desk and appears to be doing some work here. Can't you support a man with a dream, a man with little or no education, a man who might actually be a woman now that I think about it? If you step up now, you OWN Cyrus and to be honest, he's cheaper than a date and puts out.

Certainly not overly funny, but it seems at least a little hipster-tongue-in-cheeky to sort of smooth over its demeaning edges. Cyrus seems to have taken offense, though, and penned a "Dear John in the Morning" post on the KEXP blog:

Dear John,

Thanks for including me in this year’s list of station auction items! It’s so awesome to be photographed and described in such a degrading manner – for the good of the station, of course. Seriously. I really didn’t want to show it to my sweet, lonely mother, who would love nothing more than to see her youngest son representing his favorite radio station and employer in an online fundraiser. Nope. You kidder! It is going to be so exciting to watch my current bid rise slowly from $10 to (fingers crossed!!) a modest but respectable $12.50. THAT is my dream.

I do have, if you don’t mind, a few minor corrections to make. I know, I know. You are a busy guy, so fact-checking your write-ups really wasn’t an option. So, I hope these clear up any incorrect assessments our fine listeners might have made about KEXP’s Systems Coordinator.

It goes on. You should read it, and then go bid on him, or forget the auction altogether and just take him out for a drink.