Would the Real Gary Cherone Please Stand Up?

Not to be outdone by his ex-wife’s recently rebounded career, Eddie Van Halen has reunited the band to hit the road again this fall in a joint effort remind everyone that they’re still alive. Forcing his kid to take sides in his battle for the spotlight, Eddie has appointed his sixteen-year old son, Wolfgang, to replace Michael Anthony on bass while David Lee Roth rejoins the new and improved band because it's Van Halen, not Van Hagar.

Billed by the supergroup’s own website as one of most anticipated reunions in the history of rock-n-roll, the tour will begin their 25-date trek in Charlotte, NC, in early September. The ever-flaunty Van Halen carefully pointed out that they are, in fact, not The Police, yet remain incapable of legitimately explaining the decision to tap Gary Cherone for lead singer ten years earlier. The tour will roll through Seattle on December 3rd just before concluding the tour in the American hard-rock capital of Canada: Calgary, Alberta.

Now, Seattlest knows that Roth signed on because he can no longer cameo on The Sopranos, but Eddie? Come on, dude! You just got over cancer. CAN-CER. The last thing with which you need to worry yourself is how taking the Van Halen to the "next level." It’s 200-fucking-7. We guess bringing your son along for the ride counts as "quality time," but Seattlest can’t help but wonder about the inevitably awkward, fatherly anecdotes of backstage high jinx involving Uncle Alex and hordes of female fans. Who cares about Valerie? You can’t be a hard-rocking American legend and the husband of a Jenny Craig spokeswoman, anyways.

But the real casualty of the newly announced tour has to be Cherone. Two years and an album with the group and all he gets is "third singer" treatment? He sang "More Than Words," for Christ’s sake.