No Longer Content to Assault Our Ears, Kenny G May Be Assaulting Our Heads and Our Autistic Kids

The Porter family will think twice before they stroll the beach beneath Kenny G's Malibu bluff estate again, after a Power Bar chucked from there popped nine-year-old Brooke on her thinkin' box, opening a wound that took four stitches to close.

Hershey's Kisses were also among the objects hurled at Brooke and her 12-year old brother Chase, who's autistic and has Down's Syndrome.

Cops say that two teens with no connection to the fake jazz musician and Franklin High graduate did the throwing. Hold on: Think about this people--do the type of teens who throw stuff at an autistic child carry Hershey's Kisses? We think no. Here's what we think happened:

[Kenny G sits in his kitchen, scooping up organic hummus with celery sticks and reading Yoga Journal]

Ghost of Louis Armstrong: Hey asshole. I'm back!

Kenny G: Gack! Stop visiting me Ghost of Louis Armstrong! I'm sorry I dubbed my shitty sax playing over your version of "It's a Wonderful World!"

Ghost of Louis Armstrong: Too bad. You fouled my music forever. Would Bob Ross put a fluffy little cloud over Guernica? Would Ethan Hawke stick a Reality Bites reference in "Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking"? No! Tonight you dine in hell! [advances towards Kenny]

Kenny G: AAAHHH! [Reaches into snack dish on granite-topped kitchen counter] Eat Kisses, Satchmo! Eat Kisses!!!!

Ghost of Louis Armstrong: NOOOOOOO! [Floats out onto lawn]

Kenny G: [Winds up for super long throw] Eat PowerBar, you gravelly-voiced phantom!

Nine-Year-Old Brooke Porter: Ow, my fucking head!

Kenny G and Ghost of Louis Armstrong: Oh shit! [Run/float away]

SCENE

Hat tip to three imaginary girls