Another Take on the Second Day of Sasquatch

As has already been mentioned everywhere else, the wind nearly destroyed Sasquatch on Sunday, taking out the Polyphonic Spree (all 90 of them) on the mainstage, delaying their show till after the Beastie Boys later that night, and delaying other acts who then had to reschedule for other stages. Right before the Polyphonic group had to reschedule (yet another rendition of that one song that enjoyed way too much rotation on KEXP back in the day. Ugh...), Bad Brains were able to completely finish their set, so if you're into that reggae-meets-pre-Fugazi-hardcore kind of sound then it was your lucky day. One of our spies reported that the wind also interfered with the sound quality of the Spoon set, and Spearhead seemed to take an hour or more to get everything set up. From where we sat, Interpol sounded as slick as their pre-recorded stuff but some of our people were bummed that they only played six songs. Another one of our spies reported that Beastie Boys only played for 20 minutes, but he might have lied.

When you go to things like Sasquatch you go fully prepared to spend $10 for a single beer and to stand in two hour long lines to buy cheese burgers (only to find out they don't have any), but being prepared for it doesnt make it any easier. Before heading in to the show around 2pm, our crew pounded as many beers as they could stomach before joining the throngs of rowdy drunkards on their long march from the campsite to the festival. At the front gate, the herd came to a standstill and the wait went on forever. One of our guys had to piss really bad but there was no way out through the mile long crowd behind him or the endless line ahead of him. Desperate, he grabbed an empty gatorade bottle on the ground at his feet, but just when the first merciful quart of piss released from half of his bladder, he heard the ominous sound of the chain gate opening and saw the mass of people in front of him surge forward. So he walked in to Sasquatch with his dick out in a gatorade bottle, pissing. His friends' girlfriends averted their eyes, either in horror or out of fear of being tempted by the beauty of his junk.

The drunk and the high occupied themselves during the interminable silence after the wind destroyed the show by launching long lines of toilet paper in to the air, which alternately soared in to the atmosphere or slammed in to the faces of the unexpecting. Our people made paper airplanes of feeble design and launched them in to the sky. Some hot raver chicks with water pistols went around spraying vodka in to people's mouths. Some drunk goofballs from Austin Texas kept screaming "AUSTIN TEXAS WOOOO!!!" Two of our friends were so cold they had to resort to doing the Blazin Hazin dance to keep warm. Apparently nobody had any shrooms.

Judging by the response of the crowd, the single "most amazing thing" that anyone has ever seen in their entire lives was the Coors Nascar tent our friend had set up at the campsite (we'll try to update with a photo later). It was just a modest two person camping tent in the shape of a race car, unfortunately positioned near the front of the campgrounds, thereby enjoying maximum exposure to everyone coming and going. Every single person who walked by had to stop and gawk and pronounce it the work of a genius - "Is that a tent!?" "Sweet, tent!" "How fast does that go?" "Oh my god! Is that a tent!?" - clearly revealing that there was in fact no shortage of drugs at this year's Sasquatch.