Modest proposal

In Chicago, the food police are throwing people in jail for serving foie gras because it comes from obese geese. Elsewhere, they're trying to get rid of junk food in schools because it causes the kids to become obese.

Meantime, there's a new, flexible tube that's supposed to make gavage (French for "fattening up") less painful.

We say put the damn hose on the vending machines down at the high school. Pilot program at Garfield, maybe. You fork over a couple of bills to the Lunch Lady and the machine grinds up a tasty mash of Twinkies, Snickers, Ruffles and Diet Pepsi. Glug- glug, gulp-gulp, and you waddle off to class, happy as a clam.