I Hate Your Team and So Does Jesus: A 2007 Seattle Mariners Preview

Calling everything the best was largely the fault of Rick Rizzs and the other bird wits that announced the games. While the announcers for most teams around the country acknowledge their teams deficiencies and have a sense that there are good baseball players on other teams, this notion was completely lost on Rizzs and co. If that is how they and their producers want to play it, fine. But it is the responsibility of the fans consume the media to view it will a critical eye, especially when it is from a so clearly partisan source. This was beyond the intellectual ability of the vast majority of Mariners fans and led to a series of incredible fallacies that were repeated as if they were gospel truth. These ranged from the mildly annoying to the deeply absurd.

The minor issues included repeating that Carlos Guillen was a five tool player despite the fact that he only hit 5 HRs and stole four bases all season and that Ichiro could be a power hitter if he wanted to be but that he chose not to. I don’t know how it works in Japan, but here, chicks dig the long ball. The deeply absurd things that people would harp on included the thought that the Mariners were the “best team ever” to which my response was “let’s talk after they don’t make it to the World Series” and that Bret Boone wasn’t on steroids to which my response was, “Yes he is.” One of the other running themes was that somehow the M’s deserved this because they had lost Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, and A-Rod. People acted like they were a small market team doing good despite a system rigged against them, despite an 80 million dollar payroll (the A’s were 33 million that year and the Yankees were at 109.)

This obnoxious behavior made it so that little things that the Mariners did really grated on me. The obsession with the Ichiroll (wow, it isn’t a hotdog!) and all the talk about coffee at the ballpark. Baseball isn’t meant to watched on uppers and health food. It is designed to be taken in with things that will kill you slowly (beer and hot dogs.) The way they’d keep the roof closed at night even if it wasn’t cold or rainy. The fact that they would have night games on weekends and get away days. Bret Boone’s bat flip. Ichiro not stealing a base in the first two games of a series against the A’s and then stealing four in the last game when the A’s had their backup catcher in and the game wasn’t even close. Sojo Mojo. Rookies of the year who are older than 25. And so on.

Anyways the Mariners lost to the Yankees in the ALCS and that knocked the wheels off the bandwagon and snuffed out any discussion about them being the best team ever.

In conclusion, it is my belief and that the reason that the Mariners will be terrible this season and into foreseeable the future is not management’s belief that the Yankees/Giants theory of trading away good prospects for over the hill veterans will be both successful and sustainable, but is instead the result of you guys being complete assholes during the 2001 season.

Enjoy watching Ichiro try to not hit the ball out of the infield, “King Felix” not living up to his stupid nickname, “DH” Jose Vidro hitting .230, Richie Sexson try to strike out 200 times, Andrian Beltre get paid to hit 40 home runs and only hit 20 and Willie Bloomquist. I’ll be busy not eating salmon and watching a good ballteam. The Mariners suck and you probably do too.