Donuts for All!
As usual, Seattlest has donuts on our mind. Since we are compelled to endure that barbaric time of day known in some parts of the world as morning, we can't help but have our thoughts wander toward more pleasant morning-related topics. It's not just us, however; our colleague-ists have been thinking about them too.
Last week, Chicagoist wrote of a devious, healthy plot on the part of Krispy Kreme. Rightfully, they retorted with a hearty, Midwestern "Bollocks!" to the misguided idea. Previous to this, that plucky Bostonist uncovered that Dunkin' Donuts will be setting up shop in Taiwan. "Just eff-ing great", was our first thought.
Before moving here, we lived for a time in Bostonist's bailiwick. And we grew up in Chicagoist's quadrant of the Istaverse. We furnish this evidence in order to establish, Senator, that we know donuts. We've worked with donuts. Donuts are friends of ours. We know that what classic rock is to the construction industry, semi-industrial donuts are to office automatons in the gritty, dirty cities east of the Mississippi. The former simply cannot function without the latter.

So when we moved here, we missed having a Dunkin' Donuts on every block, for in the above-mentioned towns they are as plentiful as Thai and Teryaki joints are in Seattle. We quickly resigned ourselves to the notion that Seattle just isn't much of a donut town. Rather, we are much more of a scone town, a place of effete pastries. Seattlest loves all manner of crumbly, buttery, and uppity pastries and we love stumbling upon little places that sell great pastries. Sometimes, however, we just want a god-damned donut. We want to walk into a place that smells of used partially-hydrogenated oil. It has old men installed in the corner talking about The War --dubya dubya two... the Big One-- while wearing their adorable VFW hats. Finally, the parking lot is filled with off-duty taxis as their drivers take a coffee break inside.
This is not to say, of course, that there is a donut drought here. We love Top Pot and we'd happily kill a man in Reno just to steal his maple bar. But the fundamental problem is that between our palatial estate in the U-District and our soul-stealing place of work in Fremont, for example, there are exactly zero Top Pot locations. Also, we've heard of this Mighty-O phenomenon. We gave them a chance. We tried to like them. We really wanted to believe. Unfortunately, and we are sorry if we offend those with more conscientious dining sensibilities, the phrases "dairy-free donuts" and "vegan pastries" still make us think "mmmm... pressed cardboard pulp... yummmm." Put succintly and more constructively, the taste is OK, but the texture is all wrong.
And then there is Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme doesn't count; they are a novelty snack, their latest gimmick notwithstanding. We could certainly spend hours just looking at KK's donut assembly line. In fact, we very likely have. That's precisely Krispy Kreme's niche. From their repro-retro look down to the profuse festooning and the truckload of sugar, they are a novelty. Thus, whereas Krispy Kreme is an excellent dessert donut, a Dunkin' Donut is a meal. Dunkin' Donuts even serves breakfast sandwiches but we find that that is overkill; a Dunkin' Donut and a coffee is a perfectly acceptable breakfast. And that's the crux of the matter: Krispy Kreme are evening donuts or, at best, afternoon donuts. They are not breakfast donuts. Morning and breakfast are melancholy times and Dunkin' Donuts' relatively subtle color palette is more in tune to the soul-crushing nature of the impending work day.
Seattle's somewhat dire donut situation underscores one basic fact: we are OK on the specialty and novelty donuts. What is needed, then, is a source of industrial donuts produced en-masse. There's room for both in this town, we posit. We'd like to see more places like that seedy 24-hour Winchell's on 45th in Wallingford --places that frighten us, make us question our judgment, put our mortality in the hands of Fate, and provide us delicious, greasy donuts of dubious provenance. Friends, forget the Viaduct, sustainable development, and intelligent transit options. Donuts For All is the real dream.
But why should Seattle settle for the East's dirty donuts? Our provincial pride would seem to dictate that we rebuke an invasion a la Dunkin' Donuts's clever assault on Taiwan. Besides, like it or not, this is Starbuck's home and we are just not sure that Dunkin' Donuts has the wherewithal to take the epic struggle into Starbuck's front yard. We kinda wish they would considering that, after a few years of laying siege, Starbuck's eventually crossed over into Boston-proper some time ago. We suppose that Dunkin' Donuts would need to grow a larger pair of Boston Cremes first.

On the other hand, we have a far better suitor in mind for Seattle. Our disposition is not that of the gritty East Coast. We need a more civilized and enlightened toroid. We propose, then, a concerted effort to lure those plucky Canadians. After all, between our attitudes on gay marriage and pot, our values are much more aligned with our Neighbours to the Nourth. Also, Wendy's already bedded Tim and, thus, he has visa status in some states already. Let's consummate this relationship in Washington state already!
Some time ago, we sent an urgent plea, in which we pledged our support, to Tim Horton's. We got some responses but figured that our non-metric supplications eventually fell through the cracks of Tim's metric bureaucracy. Therefore, if anybody possessing fluency in Canadian would like to write in, the address is customer_service@timhortons.com.
Michael Vale photograph: Gail Oskin, AP
Tim Horton's distribution map courtesy of Wikipedia
Comments [rss]
-
erin
-
Rose
-
sophie
-
Jerry Jarvis
-
Carl
-
sophie
-
Jon
-
Kza
-
James Callan
-
Charles
-
Carmen
-
Romulus
-
Matt the Engineer
-
Seattlest Tom
-
Seattlest Tom
-
Eric
-
Seattlest Tom
-
Joe
-
Mark


