Happy Fourth of July from Seattlest
Seattlest Day Trips to Mount Rainier (in Photos)
Can't Miss It: Weekend Edition July 3-5
Weekend Theatre: July 3-5
At the risk of beating the pulp of the dead horse, Seattlest knows that many are still without power at home. We feel a little remiss in that all that we can do is sit around and post lame things about it when, instead, we should be going out there and doing something about it. Well, the problem is that we have a barbarian's understanding of electric fundamentals. Sure, sure. We can wire up 12 volt DC gadgets in our car; we can even wire some rudimentary circuits on the ol' 110 in the palatial estate. So perhaps it is more accurate to say that we have an educated barbarian's understanding of electricity.
But we certainly draw the line at voltages above 220! Although house current gives one a really pleasant and somewhat paralyzing tingle, even this wimpy 60Hz, 110V AC is dangerous stuff. And we know well enough about electricity to stay away from those high voltage, high amperage service lines. After all, when you step on a downed power line, it is the amperage and not the voltage that kills. So stay the hell away from all that promiscuous current! Got it?
But that's not the extent of this little PSA. So maybe we're not part of the Brotherhood as are the ones wearing the big electrician pants. One thing that we do know, however, is spam.
We have a confession to make: we collect spam. Mind you, we don't keep every single bit of it but we keep the interesting, indicative-of-trends, and amusing stuff. However, ever since those heady days of the UseNet --Oh! Nostalgia!-- when we discovered the "my girlfriend farts on cream cakes" trolls/spams, we knew that we had stumbled upon a future archival goldmine of cultural materials of undeniable import.
So what does this have to do with electricity? Well the beauty of spam is that it is highly adaptable. Like marketing, it preys on peoples' needs and desires, real and perceived. Moreover, it can tweak its form ever so slightly to look completely fresh, feign authority, and offer ostensibly new incentives for people to part with their cash. As such, it can be bent and molded to sell any product or solicit any service. In recent months, for example, we've seen a blossoming of 419-style ("Nigerian bank fraud") spam. It has been reworked to tell you that you are a winner of some British national lottery, to ask you to help out a God-fearing missionary family in Namibia down on their luck, or to offer you an opportunity for a lucrative business partnership with a well-respected concrete firm in Taipei.
Why couldn't savvy Washingtonians adapt this surefire method of making money fast to make money, and fast, to pay for generators and power systems? No reason whatsoever! Therefore, the value-added part of our PSA follows the cut. It contains, Absolutely Free Of Charge, a couple of templates that anyone can use to solicit and elicit cash flows using nothing but the power of the Internet. Readers, don't delay! Click to continue reading...
The first one is a slight twist on the classic 419:
From: [INSERT YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS HERE]
To: [INSERT E_MAIL ADDRESSES OF UNSUSPECTING CHUMPS HERE]
Subject: Hello From Rosemary
Greetings,I know my message will come to you as a surprise. Don't worry I was totally convinced to write you in reference of transfering of US 18.5 MILLION WATTS to your neighborhood for powering appliances in your homes.
I got your contact address on my desperate search for a reliable person for partnership investments overseas.
I am Miss.Rosemary Mane the duagther of Chief Engineer Vincent Mane of Sierra Leone. This wattage represent the huge reserves of electircity he diverted while in office as the director general for Bumbuna Hydroelectric Project in Sierra Leone. Chief Engineer Vincent Mane my late father was killed by rebel guerillas because of his project is doing well. I was told to leave my country to Abidjan the capital city of Cote D'Ivoire for my life sake after my mother was killed also, according to the will of my late father before his suden painfull death he advise me to look for a foreigner who will stand as the beneficiary of the many ampere-hours of electricity.
Meanwhile, I am writing to know if you can stand as the beneficiary of the trunk box, it is here in Abidjan he stored this said wattage in several secure batteries as family valuables. I got to know about this information and as well able to recover all the relevant circuits regards to this many ampere-hours electric reserve through his foreign advisor.
If you are thus and truly willing to assist me in transferring of this trunk box kindly write me through my email address. More information about the connection of this electric reserve to your local substation legally follows immediately after your positive reply at my private email address ([INSERT YOUR E_MAIL ADDRESS HERE])
Best regards ,
Sincerely.
Miss.Rosemary Mane
Though, admittedly, you would be screwing some other down-on-their-luck person without power out of their money. This is only acceptable if the victim is that annoying neighbor who plays the music too loud or starts mowing their lawn at 8am on Saturday or never returns your baseball when it rolls onto his/her lawn.
But perhaps you are not prepared to make such value judgments. Here is a safer one that doesn't screw others who are down on their luck. It is a variation of some recent down-on-their-luck Russians spam:
From: "Valentin" <[INSERT YOUR ADDRESS]>
Subject: I wish you a Happy Solstice
Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2006 08:48:55 -0800
To: undisclosed-recipients: ;
Dear Friend,Please excuse me for this letter.
My name is Valentin. I'm hipster and I live in group with my four friends and grilsfriend in a small town Seattle, Washington. My grilfriend cannot work because of accident and she receive compensation very rare which is not enought even for espressos.
I work very hard every day to be able to buy double-shot latte for me and my grilfriend, but my salary is very small, because my studies still not finished.
Due to bad wind storm, the electric stoped in our district and now we cannot heat our home. Right now the weather is unusually warm, but the kexp radio says it will become very cold in January and February. And now my grilfriend is lose birth control prescription because benefits run out. I am very afraid that the temperature inside our home will become very cold and we will not be able to survive because sex for warmth without birth control is risky.
Therefore I finded several e-mail addresses and thank to the free internet access in our local library I decided to appeal to you with prayer in my heart for small help.
If you have any old sleping bag, gas heater, warm clothing from 1980 period and Chuck Taylor shoes, external Ipod battery, print-base pornography, condoms, hoppy beer, and any hygiene-products, I will be very grateful to you if you could send it to our postal address which is:
Valentin Smith,
XXXX S Homer St.
Seattle, Washington 98108
U.S.A.
There! Just sit back and watch the money flow in as you sit in your living room!
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