The Inalienable Right to Bear Umbrellas

As to the feature article, we were extremely happy, for example, to be reassured that we were not the only ones spouting ad nauseum (ask our friends some time) about the horrendous pairing of socks and sandals. The purpose of sandals is to let the feet breathe in warm weather. Repeating the operative phrase: warm weather. When it gets cold, the feet do not need to breathe; instead, they need to be coddled in warm and protective footwear. Moreover, when it cools down here, it tends to rain. There is no more disgusting combination than wet weather and exposed socks. This is in no way mitigated by wearing colorful and whimsical socks; they will smell just as badly.

We sometimes feel like we've become a broken record about this point over the years. Yet the nightmares still come --and they are not even nightmares. Let's move on...

Secondly, we were happy to see a disparaging remark about the Utilikilt. Now, as skirt-wearers ourselves, we are happy to see men starting to wear not pants. Having accomplished this first lesson, though,we need to move on to lesson number two. Let us make this abundantly clear: a kilt (or skirt) is by no means a mere substitute for pants! It requires special attention and attitude when worn. For example, we do not want to see men sitting on the bus with their legs spread wide open even when they are wearing pants. This desire is multiplied by orders of magnitude when men wear Utilikilts. Furthermore, wearing Not Pants involves a certain attitude. Just as any other outfit looks dopey when topped by an ill-fitting t-shirt (so insidious because it is so prevalent), the sight of an average-sized man wearing a Utilikilt with an XXXL shirt and Tevas (with or without socks) makes us want to scream. While one does not need to be a fashion plate, there is no excuse for looking like a slob. Please take some time, check yourself out in a mirror, and have somebody knowledgeable look you over if you are uncertain.

At this point, we need to move on --we are double-parked in front of Seattlest HQ--toward more delicate and controversial subjects, namely fleece and umbrellas. First, though, let us preemptively knock down a straw man. We grew up in the cold, cold Midwest. We like the cold and we respect it. We know cold. Done. While we personally have no affinity for fleece, we understand that others like it. Sure, sure, fleece is warm and comfortable and all that. So, even though we have absolutely no tolerance for, say, socks worn with sandals or unthoughtfully-accesorized Utilikilted outfits, we abide to peacefully co-exist with fleece. But for the love of all that is delightfully and deliciously unholy, do not under any circumstances step outside sporting a red ballcap, yellow fleece vest, striped grey and white long-sleeved shirt, baggy black cargo pants, dark green wool socks with white toe seams and heel patch, and sport sandals! We are almost at the end of rope here and we might start hitting people.

Secondly, do not pick on those of us who choose to deploy stylish umbrellas when the skies begin to leak. Many Northwesterners cling to the romantic notion of the wild Northwest. It's an attractive and sensible idea, what with our forests, mountains, and bodies of water. Yet, for most of us, these are not our normal environs, what with our hot showers, kitchen stoves, and weekly garbage pick-up. Let's face it, unless one is a longershoreman or lumberjack, or one is catching fish on the water or pouring asphalt on the freeway, there is no sense in pretending to be so hard core, out in The Elements. Unless you are actually working outside with your hands, quit fooling yourself and don't be afraid to stay dry with an umbrella. It's not some effete Californian thing to be treated with tired derision. Again, we hail from a place that has extreme weather; just as we know cold, we know rain. We may not break one out for every polite drizzle which sometimes passes for rain around here, but when it really pours, we do like our umbrellas. Besides, if it was good enough for Umbrella Man Robert W. Patten, who are any of us to argue against Seattle history?

Fortunately, some recent, chic newcomers have settled in Seattle and have aided in ameliorating some prevailing provincial attitudes.

About a decade ago, a one-year international-trading program brought [Satoko Kobayashi] from Tokyo to Seattle. She ended up loving the city and ultimately settling here, despite what she saw early on as a lack of flair when it came to fashion.

Since 2004, she has been importing fine umbrellas from afar.

But what greater good can stylish meteorological accoutrements bring about? For an answer, just look at a place even more northwest than us, Vancouver. On our trips to that chic metropolis, we have noticed far higher umbrella use per capita. And it makes perfect sense. In Canada, Vancouver is ironically no longer in the northwest. The Canadian northwest really is wild and untamed. Accordingly, Vancouverticians have dispensed with that romantic, hinterland rubbish. They tote umbrellas and have consequently built a civilised and cosmopolitan metropolis as a result.

So if this is what dumping the Monarchy has gotten us --wet, smelly socks, dopey-looking oversized t-shirts on otherwise strapping fellows, nubile college kiddies jamming sock-sheathed feet into thong sandals, and people too cool to stay dry-- then we beg King George's post-humus forgiveness! Quick, get us a quill, some parchment, and a constitutional scholar; we feel an amendment coming on:

A well-dressed citizenry, being essential to the style of a sartorial Seattle, the right of the people to keep and bear umbrellas shall not be infringed.