Hi-Tech Ghetto Latte

Seattlest loves coffee. We would never do anything to hurt coffee and we're pretty sure the feeling is mutual. We were raised up in coffee, like Southerners are raised up in the church.

Like most Americans, we're also lazy, cheap, and a sucker for novelty. So when the Safeway on Queen Anne was clearing out its merch during the remodel, we purchased a marked-down Wolfgang Puck Self-Heating Latte. Otherwise known as Ghetto Latte Lite. It's Splendariffic!

You heard us. It's a canned beverage activated by a chemical reaction in the bottom chamber of what looks like travel mug from AM/PM. We went with the standard "rich espresso flavor," though we're sure they meant 'expresso.'

It was something to amuse ourselves during a five-hour drive to an Eastern Washington campground, since it's "perfect for camping.. road trips... or just relaxing at home." Survivalists everywhere, here's your new pick-me-up.

We couldn't get the damn thing to work, and neither could the new husband, which emasculated him a bit. There's five, count 'em, five steps. How anyone could operate this coffee before coffee is beyond us. Guess that's where meth comes in. A good fifteen minutes into it, we were near tears in frustration and anger at the damn thing, feeling so duped, so ashamed, when somehow we pulled the tab a little harder, or something, and it did warm up, slightly. It's supposed to warm up to "over 140 degrees," the approximate temp outside the car. Not quite.

But eureka! At long last Wolgang Puck's Latte from WP Beverages. Of course, it tasted like a bottled Frappuccino, or what we imagine that would taste like if we had ever had one, which we haven't, cause as we said, we were raised up better than that.

We feel so dirty now. So used. Wolfgang Puck, you are one sick motherfucker. They say it's OK to experiment when you're young, but sometimes you can go too far. And then you've only got yourself to blame, and the gap-toothed grin of some has-been celebrity chef. For shame!