"It's an illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money."

The 32nd annual Seattle International Film Festival kicks things off this evening with their opening night film at the Paramount and associated party at the new MOHAI space (the erstwhile interim Central Library at 8th & Pike). Wanna go as a VIP? Sorry, that's sold out. Already have a ticket and just want a VIP upgrade so you can get valet parking and reserved seating? You're SOL, 'cause that's sold out too. However, tickets are still available for the screening and gala, if you're willing to pay $50 ($40 for SIFF members) for some hors d'oeuvres and a so-so film.

This year's opening night selection is The Illusionist. As far as SIFF opening films go, it's nowhere near as good as 2005's Me and You and Everyone We Know (our most favoritest film of last year), but it's not as bad as 2004's pick, maudlin romance The Notebook. Few things are.

At Sundance this year, the buzz surrounding The Illusionist was that it was too mainstream for an art-house crowd and too artsy for a mainstream crowd. Seattlest thought that was a glass-half-empty point of view; after all, couldn't the converse be true, and the film have some appeal to both groups of viewers? The answer, unfortunately, is no. Having seen The Illusionist, we have to admit the scuttlebutt was dead-on.

It's too bad, because the film certainly had potential. The casting wasn't half-bad: Ed Norton (yay!) as Eisenheim, the amazing illusionist wowing audiences in early 20th century Vienna; Paul Giamatti (double yay!) as Chief Inspector Uhl, the policeman keeping a watchful eye on Eisenheim while also marvelling at his abilities; and Jessica Biel (her? is she funny or something?) as the Duchess von Teschen, Eisenheim's childhood chum, now engaged to the big meanie crown prince (Rufus Sewell). As would be expected, Norton and Giamatti are more than competent with passable Viennese voices, while Biel is completely out of her league with an accent that shifts from scene to scene: Is she British? German? Dutch? All of the above?

Besides the presence of the talentless Biel, the characters aren't well-drawn, and the story ain't so great either. There were major plot points we could see coming from miles off, and even minor plot points were kinda obvious. We'd find ourselves thinking, "Ah, this should be the scene where somebody gets slapped," and then, whaddya know, somebody would get slapped.

So it's not the best film to start a festival, but whatever, there's a lot more where that came from. SIFF!

The Illusionist opens in theaters nationwide August 18th.