Valentine's Day for Losers

While your coupled friends gaze lovingly at each other across some pork chops in a carmelized onion glaze, you're going to be alone tonight, questioning why the gender of your choice finds you so unappealing. Is it your breath? Your clothes? Your insistence on a first date "test drive"? In any case, we at Seattlest have some ideas for getting you through the evening without killing yourself.

Avoid false solace: Don't read MSN's Single on Valentine's Day? Hooray!, a patronizing article with tips like "invest in a 'you-tual' fund" and throw an "Anti-Valentine's Day Party." Whatever. This feel-good crap may cause you to vomit.

Kiss Garfield's gym goodbye: Tonight at 7:30 is the last game in Garfield High's gym. Built in 1963, some amazing players have dribbled inside--Joyce Walker, one of the first female Harlem Globetrotters and perhaps Washington State's greatest prep ballplayer, and NBAers James Edwards and Jason Terry come to mind. Garfield's opponent tonight is, fittingly, rival Franklin. The gym's being torn down as part of a major renovation.

Road trip: Long drives help you forget your love-related frustrations, and focus on new ones--like that Subaru going 50 in the fast lane, or that weird noise your car keeps making.

Slasher movie: The real Saint Valentine met his end when a Roman Emporer beheaded him. We can just see poor old Saint V. musing from above about how men flock to Victoria's Secret on his execution date to buy their girlfriends sexy underwear. "So this is how they celebrate my beheading!" And then we picture him spanking the monkey. It's the perfect day to stay inside watching Saw II or Friday the 13th.

Self-medicate: Take a dose or three of OTC sleep aids (or just Benadryl, it's cheap and plentiful), followed by a glass of red wine and a bagel (keeps your stomach from getting queasy). Sleep through it. Then go to Bartell's the next day and score some 50 percent off candy. Sweet.

Gather with other losers: A friend suggests gathering your single friends and having dessert at the B&O. We aren't so sure, since there are likely to be dozens of attractive, happy couples at the B&O, laughing the carefree laughs of people who have been tested and are free to have unprotected sex. Nevertheless, perhaps there is some merit in this. You could spill coffee on them.

Onanism: First, visit one of Seattle's strip clubs. You can get as close as four feet from a reasonably attractive person of the opposite sex. Then carry your memories home for a relaxing evening of self-abuse. If you wish to cross the line into hiring someone to abuse you, avoid Aurora.