Soft Core Seahawks: Da Football 101

With the Seahawks in the Super Bowl for the first time, many of you may be new to football. Here to help you with a crash course on this sport is editor Dan Gonsiorowski's brother Chip, who, unlike his brother, still lives in the south side of Chicago, where football is life.

Hey dere all you Seattle fansh, pleash take a moment dere, out of your daily routine of driving your Navy Blue Subaru to Trader Joesh on I-5 at 40mph, while listening to Rosh Reynolds dere. Now that your team, da Seahawksh, are in da Super Bowl Dan-Dan ashked me write a crash coursh on football and how to be a good sportsh fan dere.

Da idea of da game is move da ball into your opponent's end zone for a touchdown. These are worth six pointsh. After a touchdown a team has a chance to kick an extra point (dat's worth one point), or run or kick it in for two pointsh. For da most part, teamsh don't go for two pointsh unless dey are far behind in da game, like da Vikings usually are.

Each team has four chances, called downs, to move da ball ten yardsh. If dey don't, da udder team takes over where day have just failed dere. However, since field position is so important teams have da option of punting da ball away to push da udder team further away from their end zone.

If a team is close to da end zone dey can try to kick a field goal, which countsh for three points, but dis is for sissy teams like da Packers.

Da quarterback is da guy who gets da ball every play. He is like da kielbasa. He (or in da case of da Steelers, she) can hand the ball to da running back (da bratwurst) to carry on da ground, or pash it to a receiver (Spicy Italian). Da udder players all are anonymous and no one is quite sure da difference between a nose tackle and full back (a variety pack of assorted Polish).

A few more quick things, if da referees make a bad call against your team you must insist that it is da result of a conspiracy between da league and da TV networks against small-market teams.

If you are a man older than eighteen, and are currently not involved within da Hip Hop industry, do not wear a jersey in public. Don't get me started on fash paint.

Overall you must prepare for da worsht, which is what being a sportsh fan is all about, it ish a painful experience, and optimism only makes it harder. Remember only one team can win da championship. You are putting your emotionsh in de hands of twenty and thirty year olds who don't know you, will never meet you, don't care about you, make more money on a single dropped pash dan you will in a decade. It's just one more thing in life to throw your heart into that you have no control over. Enjoy.

I gotta get back to my deep dish pizza, it has been in da wood-fired oven dere for too long. Go Bearsh and da Packers suck.