Come Play With Us...please?

Hot on the heels of the Kenji Johjima signing (which will, mark our words, end up being the most underpublicized but important free agent signing in all of baseball this winter), the Mariner corporate stiffs are busy trying to shanghai other talented baseball players into service on the U.S.S. Last Place.

At the baseball winter meetings in Dallas, the rumors are flying fast and furious. According to Brad "Assface" Stalin of the Tuscaloosa Evening Masturbator, there hasn't been this much speculation in Dallas since "Who Shot J.R."!!!.

Let's halt the laughter, though (no matter how uproarious). The Mariners are in dire need of starting pitching.

One step in the right direction--the Mariners re-signed the team's all-time winningest pitcher, Jamie Moyer. The 43-year-old lefty will get $5.5 million. Does he have anything left? We've been asking this question since the middle of the 2000 season, and the answer has always been "yes."

Other pitching targets:
Matt Clement: Boston owns him, but according to some reports (you'll need a subscription for that one) the Mariners have asked about him.

Carl Pavano: A bust in New York, maybe the M's think he's Ed Whitson-redux and needs a change of scenery. If so, they are stupider than we think.

Kevin Millwood: A staggeringly inconsistent pitcher who the M's want to give $44 million to.

Matt Morris: Another staggeringly inconsistent pitcher who, as U.S.S. Mariner points out, posted numbers last year comparable to Ryan Franklin's. Can't wait to see him pitching against Vladimir Guerrero.